Winners and Losers All

It's something for everyone in this week's news.

Winners and Losers All
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Hey Friends,

Last night, President Biden left the nursing home past bedtime to give the State of the Union address on Capitol Hill. I was surprised he skipped his normal closing line, reminding us to get our pets spayed and neutered.

His speech kicks off a rematch between two presidents for the first time in history.

It's officially Biden versus Trump again.

Let's talk about it today in The News.

Hot Takes

Week 10 of 2024

Voters Win and Lose at the Same Time

Chock one up for the Constitution.

When you're me, which the majority of you are not, you get used to being right. I try to throw in a typo to two every once in a while just to remind you that I'm human. I've even included a factual error in a historical reference to World War I once (which I've since corrected). But even with all the effort, these Takes, however hot they may be, are often following the guiding light.

This week was no exception. Donald Trump is NOT, not eligible to be on the ballot in Colorado, according to a unanimous ruling from the Supreme Court. There were lots of technical reasons why, but all of them made just enough sense to bring all the Justices together while still giving the legal analysts enough to talk about for the next couple of weeks.

Some analysts and Constitutional scholars, upon review of the finding, have said, "What the fuck?" (Their words, not mine.) The primary question of the ruling rests on how the 14th Amendment can be self-executing sometimes but also not self-executing sometimes, and this is one of those sometimes.

Amy Coney Barret pointed out in her concurring opinion that her conservative colleagues just made a mess with their reasoning when they didn't need to. I say, welcome to The Supreme Court, where everything is black and white except for the law. Sure, this ruling may be messy and confusing, but I believe it is mostly good for America. But I stand by my claim that Trump is not. (more)

Nikki Wins a Swamp, and Trump is Poised to Fill One

The biggest single day of the primaries was Tuesday when at least 16 states hosted their primaries. Trump swept the evening, winning a majority in each state and handing over the scraps to Nikki Haley. Nikki had won Washington D.C. a couple of days prior and then won The Common Wealth of Virginia and a lifetime supply of oysters.

Trump shrugged off his Washington DC loss to Haley, calling it "the swamp." After a disappointing Tuesday, as expected, Haley ended her campaign. (more)

Biden is in Trouble in American Samoa

I hear it's nice this time of year, but not if you're Joe Biden or the 40 people who voted for him.

Everybody knows that polls mean nothing, but they are so addictive you can't have just one. They're like the Sugar Babies of politics where at first you think, "This will be good. It will get me through this movie." and then about halfway through, you either feel nauseous or you think you need to schedule something with your therapist. This week's polls put Biden well behind Trump, particularly in some key battleground states, like all of them, but also Arizona, Georgia, Pennsylvania, Michigan, North Carolina, Nevada, and Wisconsin.

The real concern came when Biden swept every Super Tuesday primary except one - American Samoa. Jason Palmer, an under-the-radar candidate, edged Biden by just 11 votes, netting 51 ballots to the president's 40. The truth is, this shot up alarm bells in the Biden campaign, where they noted that not only is Palmer campaigning across the Pacific Islands, but he can also lift items above 25 pounds. I still think Biden will clench the nomination if his grip can hold up, but he may have bloody knuckles before it's over. (more)

Nothing to see here

War is one of the worst inevitabilities of geopolitics and human nature. That's why I always like to share ice-cold beers with the neighbors. It's a way to keep the peace as much as possible. But this week, the UN seems to have discovered Hamas isn't as neighborly as they previously thought, which was a surprise. The seemingly apathetic group said they found evidence of sexual assault against hostages on October 7th and since then while held in Gaza. We're still waiting to see if the UN condemns those actions. (more)

Menedez is on Borrowed Time and Money

A new federal indictment this week said Robert Menendez and his wife took a bribe and tried to make it look like a loan (it should be noted that bribes are not tax deductible, so I would have done the same thing if I were a corrupt politician).

The plan was devised after the Mischievous Menedezes found out they were under investigation and decided to do the equivalent of flushing coke down the toilet. But the bribing friend, who was trying to get Robert to deter a criminal investigation, apparently had enough powder on his nose that he realized he had to come clean and help the prosecutors. Robert still denies the accusations against him. (more)

No Government Shuts Down

Not sure if I pluralized that headline correctly? Trust me, I'm a copywriter. This is what I do. And what Congress does is keep the government running, dysfunctionally if possible. This week, the House did just that, passing a $460 billion funding package to keep the federal lights on. Now it's time to get back to work. I wish us all the best of luck. (more)


  • Kirsten Cinema decided to take her glasses and go home. She will not seek reelection. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: Good things come to those who wait... for The Lorem Ipsum. But don't make your friends wait any longer. Forward them a copy.

Have a great weekend!

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