State of the Onion
Spoiler alert. It's strong. Here's everything you need to know. But also this week's news.
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Hey Friends,
Welcome to another Friday release from The Lorem Ipsum, also known as your very own Inbox Candy. This week, if you're looking for something more savory, consider this newsletter the Inbox Onions on top of your email steak. It's what makes having an inbox so good. If you are starting to smell something, just enjoy it because the state of the onion is strong.
On a related note, Biden delivered the State of the Union address this week, and I've compiled everything you need to know right here in this email.
I'll get to that in a minute...
But first, let's get to The News.
Hot Takes
Week 06 of 2023
Breaking: Mike Pence Subpoenaed
Mike Pence was called up by Jack Smith, the special counsel investigating the January 6th insurrection. Pence is prayerfully considering how to respond. This story is still developing, much like the hydrogen peroxide is developing the roots of Donald Trump's hair. ABC News broke the story. (more)
Katie Bard The Door
This week, Google announced their AI Answer to Chat GPT, named Bard, only to be scooped by Bing's "The New Bing," an AI-powered search tool using Chat GPT. While it's clear that the search and AI industry could use a brand consultant, it's unclear when these platforms will be fully launched. The new Bing is on a waitlist (here's a link, nerds!), and Google's Bard will launch "in the coming weeks." Google, who's doing just fine, lost 100 billion in market value after Bard had a factual error in a demo posted on Twitter. For the search industry, it appears the war is on once again. (more)
Rictor Scale
A powerful earthquake spanning the borders of Turkey and Syria has reached an official death toll of 21,000 throughout the week as rescue workers toiled around the clock to uncover any survivors under the rubble. The region has been torn by war and extreme poverty, greatly complicating recovery efforts. With Syria currently in a civil war, both sides are arguing that it's not their "fault." (more)
The Pop In
China told the US they wanted their spy balloon because it didn't belong to us, but I also don't see them offering to pay our divers to recover it. China disclosed that they've actually sent several balloons on spying missions, including one this week that was over South America. We suggest next time, they send an edible arrangement instead. (more)
Star-stink
Elon Musk said on Twitter that he didn't like his satellite internet service "Starlink" being used by Ukraine to run drones, a critical tool for their fight against Russia. Musk said he never intended for the service to be "weaponized." Critics of Musk said, "We felt the same way about Twitter" (more)
George Scam-tos
Newly elected Representative George Santos has come under scrutiny for fabricating literally everything about himself, such as whether his grandparents survived the holocaust and his mother survived the 9-11 attacks and whether he ever had any of the jobs he listed on his credentials. And now a new CBS special report, "Campaign of Deceit," investigates. Santos defended himself by saying he "embellished" his resume and explains his false ethnicity claims by saying, "No, I said I'm Jew–ISH" (more)
That's it for the news. Now here's The Gist.
The Address
The Gist
President Biden delivered his state of the union speech to the 118th congress amidst heckling from congresspeople on the right, despite McCarthy's pleas for his caucus to respect the decorum of the event and the institution. Democrats celebrated his speech as presenting a strong and bipartisan spirit while necessarily hailing his administration's results.
Biden opened by celebrating his colleagues of both parties for their years of leadership, saying to Kevin McCarthy, “Mr. Speaker, I don't want to ruin your reputation, but I look forward to working with you,” Biden said. Also, we aren't sure, but we think he also made a joke at one point.
The speech went on for 72 minutes, longer than last year's speech. According to analysis from experts, the address was so long that some were concerned many of the octogenarian congressmen and women might not make it to the end of the speech due to natural causes.
On the red carpet on the way into the event, several attendees were seen donning designer fashion looks that were all the rage. For example, Kiersten Sinema came wearing a post-it note dress designed by 3M. Matt Gaetz's shoes were made by Sketchers, according to one of the interns he was dating who was familiar with his wardrobe.
Marjorie Taylor Green came as Cruella de Vil, not initially realizing we weren't doing costumes. She also came carrying a white balloon until releasing it after being told she wasn't allowed to bring a plus one. Green's plan, instead of killing Dalmations, had her sights set on any Democrat bills and, additionally, the mood, which she accomplished by heckling and calling the President a liar.
It appears Paul Pelosi made the same mistake, coming as comic book detective Dick Tracy. He was welcomed back with applause as he recovered from an attack by an enraged political extremist, referring to one not currently in elected office.
Sitting next to Pelosi, despite never being asked, Bono ended up appearing there, much like his 2014 album no one wanted to be found on every Apple device on earth. Reportedly, Biden told Bono he would deliver his speech “with or without you.”
The theme of Biden's speech was "Get the job done," which he repeated while touting accomplishments like presiding over the creation of 12 million jobs, passing bipartisan infrastructure and semiconductor manufacturing bills, and one of his biggest accomplishments, not being his predecessor.
The Republican response was delivered by Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders: "The dividing line in America is no longer between right or left. The choice is between normal – or crazy. It's time for a new generation of republican leadership."
We agree.
That's it for this week.
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Have a great weekend!