Relax or Relapse

Switching to cans, dropping bad habits, and celebrating our favorite foods in this issue. It's this week's news.

Relax or Relapse
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"Relaxing the Format."

It's not just a great band name from the early 2000s—it's an excuse, too.

I once promised myself and those around me that I would never work a 40-hour week again and wrote all about why, but I've broken that promise a number of times over the past few weeks, so I've had to eat my words – at my desk no less.

Lately, I've wanted to make The Lorem Ipsum more sustainable. My first idea was to plant a tree for every new subscriber, but that, more than anything, was unsustainable, even if it's done in the name of sustainability. Then I considered switching to cans, but good bourbon doesn't come in a can. Ultimately, I determined that I needed to do exactly what I have done my entire life: Stop following the rules–even when I'm the one who wrote them.

That's what I've been doing as of late.

We're relaxing the format of The Lorem Ipsum, if only for a moment. Because finding something to say, for me, is effortless, but sticking to the format just takes time. That's why what was once a band name is my new manifesto. I like writing long-form articles, and I like the research that goes into them (whether you think they are flippant or not, they are carefully sourced and cited).

I often hear how much readers love the Hot Takes of the week, but those snide remarks wrapped in newsprint don't come cheap. Managing a long-form article while keeping an inventory of the news is a full-time job, and I've worked my whole life to avoid having one, much less two of them.

So, in order to keep delivering you both, I'm going to do it the way the spirit leads. There's no need to panic. You'll still wake up on Friday to a new issue.

As a reminder, most of the content here will remain free. But thank you to those of you who have made me whole by becoming a Founder. You've kept me going, and your deposits hold me accountable each month.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 23 of 2024


Mexico just elected its first woman president and will now be known as Mexica. Claudia Sheinbaum won a landslide victory with the endorsement of the current president, Andrés Manuel López Obrador (known best as AMLO). AMLO has been popular with everyday Mexicans because of his investments in populist programs, including tripling welfare spending, and many expect Sheinbaum to follow his lead.

As an expert in Mexican food, specifically focused on eating it and processing it efficiently afterward, without regretting how many chips I may have consumed, I have to say that I don't have a clue about Mexican politics. All I know is that Sheinbaum is not a member of The Royal Family, so she will have little chance of being on the cover of the papers for getting a tummy ache or failing at editing a photo on her phone. But she stands a chance of getting our attention if she can repair US/Mexico relations to the point where migration is blamed on the source rather than whoever is the US President at the time. Will she curb government spending after AMLO tripled welfare budgets? Will she pry control of the government out of the hands of the Cartel? Will everyone get free bottomless chips and salsa? That's a question for the Mexican pundits and possibly your waiter when he comes by next. (more)

D-E-I Caramba

In a test of implicit bias created by The Lorem Ipsum, you'll be asked whether one point of view expressed in a Take is "Bad / Funny" or "Good / A Cleverly Placed Criticism of Marjorie Taylor Greene, but not too Left Leaning."

Nobody ever passes, and it's because both opinions and facts are neither good nor bad; they are simply funny or true. Sometimes both.

Well Harvard University had a trick test of their own, and this week announced they were dropping it. At least one major department has tossed the requirement to write a diversity statement in applications. They said that diversity statements were “too narrow in the information they attempted to gather" and usually were difficult to understand for people who weren't "at least a little bit racist." Although, University leadership said they were hopeful that forcing people to make a statement about how un-racist they were would increase diversity in the schools, it proved unsuccessful because the people who could pass muster were pretty much all just as stuck up as the people who created the test.

To be fair, diversity tests are created with good intentions and noble goals. Like helping people to become aware of their implicit biases and ridding the world of Republicans. However, some recognized the change as positive. One former Harvard President says the decision shows that Harvard is “finding its way back towards the right core values,” hopefully with the exception of its ties to slavery. (more)

Paper Beats Rock

If you're wondering whether Melania will divorce Trump before or after he ends up in the slammer, you'll have to read their contract. But don't expect the latter to happen anytime soon (yes, the contract is too long, but I'm referring to the slammer). This week, two of Trump's criminal indictments have been put on ice for different reasons. First, in Georgia, an appellate judge "stays" any proceedings in the racketeering case until they can determine if the Fani Pack should be removed from the case due to a conflict of interest. Then, the judge in the documents case determined that reading books takes a long time, and a gold-plated bathroom full of documents takes even longer. After countless legal briefs created complications with the case, she has delayed the court proceedings indefinitely. This is in addition to the unknown timeline for when the Supreme Court will rule on presidential immunity.

Word to the wise: if you want to commit crimes and get away with them, create as much paperwork as you can for everyone else because people always procrastinate when it comes to paperwork. (more)

Fake, Fake, Fake, Fake

What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? It is all fake, just like many of the electors who tried to squeeze in made-up electoral votes for Donald Trump. This week, Wisconsin became the fifth state to charge Trump allies involved in the crime. Kenneth Chesebro could be eating government cheese behind bars if he is convicted. Chesebro was also indicted in the Georgia Racketeering case, where he pleaded guilty and agreed to cooperate with prosecutors. If the case survives the delays. (more)

Boeing Exhales

Yesterday, Boeing's Starliner crew docked and entered the international space station. With them, the team brought several crescent wrenches and a powerful Dewalt drill used primarily to tighten the seal on the doors, as needed. (more)

Smoking Gun

Hunter Biden has started his trial this week for checking a box that said he was not on drugs when he completed a form to buy a gun. We've intentionally buried this story and plan to keep it that way until after the election. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum now offers Five Dollar Foot Longs – upgrade to a paid subscription for $5 per month and remove the paywall on premium posts, expanding four column inches to a 12-inch long email.

Have a great weekend!

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