The Queen and Dark Brandon

A farewell to Queen Elizabeth II and the unofficial launch of the midterm campaign season.

The Queen and Dark Brandon

Hey friends,

Good morning to all of you, especially if you just became king of a country, but also I'm sorry for your loss.

This week marks the unofficial launch of the midterm campaign season. Sometimes known as pumpkin spice season! A perfect time to do your best speeches, flanked by military personnel and ominous lighting.

We were previously expecting a red wave in the elections this year, but a sudden shift in the political landscape after Roe was overturned had analysts thinking we should expect more like a purple spume.

Now, Trump's legal issues are swelling, and have us expecting more like a blue twirling wine glass (my apologies to wine since it's also red).

For the critics deploying the "Let's Go Brandon" moniker – the memes on them now. Brandon supporters have started putting the Dark Brandon messaging to better use.

What does all this have to do with pumpkin spice?

I'll get to that in a minute...

But first, let's get to The News.


Hot Takes

Week 36 of 2022

London Bridge Has Fallen

Queen Elizabeth II was under medical watch for at least the II time this year, not counting a bout with Covid that resulted in missing some Jubilee events (for US readers, those are events where people are jubilant). Her Majesty died yesterday at 96 years old which happens to be the same age as my great grandma Josephine, and my grandmother-in-law Frankie, two people who are royalty in my book.

I've never lived in a monarchy, myself, but I think most of us can agree that no matter how far away we are from The Queen, she has impacted us all in some way. Some of us have been moved by her infectious smile, others are enamored with her striking gowns. Personally, I want to know how she got her job, and if they are hiring. I think I'd be willing to relocate but it depends on the benefits. As I understand it, they offer a steady paycheck and have the best retirement plan of any employer on earth, to employ your kids for eternity, as long as they don't move to Canada.

Lilibet (The Queen's childhood nickname) was known for her ability to keep a straight face when she needed to, with just enough of a smile for you to like her, but not enough for you to know why. Because of this, she filled the role of being the person on earth that literally everyone loved. She was sometimes called boring (but given that she remained married to Prince Philip for 74 years, I'd suspect she was good in the sack), however boring is perhaps not the right word. A better one may be alluring. Alluring because you wanted to know what she thought about the issues, but rarely did you ever. She served through some major political change, and even sometimes turmoil like the very public balding of her grandson Prince William, or the resignation of Prime Minister Boris Johnson due to a string of controversies – there is little debate about which loss is worse. Throughout it, and nearly 70 years in all, Lilibet kept her composure, did not offer a divisive opinion, but held herself up high as unwavering, as she would portray the Kingdom in which she served as the longest-standing Monarch in its history.

The early years of her reign were the beginning of decolonization, having taken the throne just after India and Pakistan became independent, soon to be followed by Africa. While the shrinking of the empire was long in the works, whether or not she was conflicted, she supported the process and supported the free countries of the Commonwealth even to this day. This change is to be celebrated, and she deserves credit for her part in it.

Even at a young age, she kept a box where she saved ribbons and wrapping paper to be used rather than tossed, because, it seems that even though she had the most expensive wrapping paper on earth, she did not take her privilege for granted. She considered it something to be valued and protected.

And that is how she held her country and her role as Queen.

May she rest in peace.

(Here's more)

Circle of Truss

Related... The Conservative party in Great Brittain said "Truss Me" and this week, The Queen did the same as Liz Truss was appointed as Prime Minister, following Borexit and immediately preceding the queen's death. (more)

Nuclear war games

Over the last week or so, experts from the UN have visited the Zaporizhzhia nuclear plant, where shelling has taken place, even shutting down power to the plant. As an aside, you care about this, because such an outage risks causing a meltdown that could literally impact the entire earth. Despite calls to create a no-fire zone around the plant, Putin has not called off his troops who are occupying the plant but I did hear that he fired a staff chef for burning his blini wheat pancakes (although I'm still trying to confirm that). (more)

Losing  at Jenga

The CFO of Bed Bath and Beyond jumped off the Jenga tower in New York City, falling to his death on Sunday. This happened days after announcing the closing of 150 stores and laying off 20% of its workforce. Sales of the Jenga game remain unchanged after the incident. (more)

Special Master

Trump's request to have a special master review the confiscated files was granted, which stalls the investigation until that review is complete. So while investigators are waiting, they're shifting focus to another investigation into Trump since he is now being subpoenaed for records related to possible campaign finance fraud. (more)

On an iSland

Apple launched the new iPhone, and as always, mine will not be put in a case. The new Pro model has a 48,000,000,000 miligigapixel camera and the camera bump also serves as a kickstand. In the past, people didn't like the black tab at the top that interrupted the screen, but this model has introduced the "Dynamic Island", convincing you a black spot on a screen is something you want to have. (more)


That's it for the news. Now here's The Gist.

Pumpkin Spice Wars

The Gist

With all that we are dealing with in the world these days, there's only one thing more alarming than the threat of a nuclear disaster in Ukraine, and that's the abrupt and untimely return of the Pumpkin Spice Latte.

This should go without saying, but I'm afraid I have to say it anyway. I don't want your pumpkin spice Pringles. I don't want an Oreo that tastes like the world's worst candle – also I never wanted to taste a candle, to begin with.

What do I really want? I want someone who will work on developing policies that will work for us and won't eventually give us diabetes. I go into more detail in the article.

That's it for this week

Remember: If you're looking for help finding a lost pet, you should probably ask your neighbor, but if you want to unpack matters of politics or get advice on how to deal with the owner of an unruly dog next door, you might want to keep the peace and just Ask The Lorem Ipsum. Reply to this email to submit your questions.

Have a great weekend!


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