Party like it's 1969

Party like it's 1969

Good morning friends,

This week, we've been celebrating the rare milestone of going back in time. As you likely know, the Supreme Court has reversed a watershed ruling, turning the clocks back to 1973.

I'm not sure I have ever known what it's like to live in a world where there were no Chip Gaineses or Ryan Seacrests, and while that does sound appealing, I'm not sure I would be as thrilled to live in a world where there aren't any Leonardo DiCaprios. Or Alanis Morisettes for that matter. Don't even get me started on Christian Bales or Sarah Paulsons.

Because see, this world was not intended to not have a Christian Bale.

We belong in a world where there is a Nelly because this world knew that it needed a Nelly. Because we are living in a Nelly world and I am a Nelly girl – or rather – email writer.

You may disagree with me, and that's okay, so long as you realize the onus is on you to make this a world where not having a Christian Bale can actually be a good thing. A world where Christian Bale is not needed or missed. It's hard to imagine, but I think if you really are a Christian Bale Abolitionist, you should apply your abolitionist views with consistency.

I'll get into that in a moment, but first I'd like to offer you some congratulations.

This is the 99th publishing of The Lorem Ipsum, inclusive of all articles published on the website and issues of The Weekly. That means that next week's email is the 100th release from this publisher known as The Lorem Ipsum, at a URL bearing the moniker of its author.

Next week, I'll have something very special for you in celebration of the centenarian release.

Until then, let's get to The News.

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Hot Takes

Week 26 of 2022

  • The USA is Panicking because Roe v Wade has been overturned this past week as part of the Dobbs v Jackson ruling. While some women are doubling their doses of birth control, others are investing in expansion projects at their daycare facilities.

    Meanwhile, a flurry of new or pre-installed State laws are being enacted or debated across the country right now, including bans in roughly half of the States. This week's article is about the subject.

    The flip side: the abortion clinic picketers are all looking for jobs now. Everyone else is turning to Plan B.
  • The January 6 Committee on Tuesday abruptly scheduled a hearing with the testimony of a surprise witness White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson. Her testimony and the actions of the committee are suggesting criminal charges may be coming, just as Federal Agents with a search warrant seized Trump advisor John Eastman's phone and have subpoenaed Pat Cipollone, White House attorney under former President Donald Trump.

    What we're hearing at The Lorem Ipsum is that there may have been Netflix password sharing within the Whitehouse which is a federal crime.

    In addition, Trump allegedly became irate within his motorcade, once grabbing the steering wheel of the Presidential Limousine, and lunging at a secret service agent. In another incident, Trump threw his Happy Meal in the Whitehouse smearing ketchup on the wall.

    It also seems clear Trump knew the crowd had weapons and were planning violence, but The Lorem Ipsum is less concerned about these details because something like trying to overturn the US Government, currently is not considered a crime by many Congressmen.
  • Can you complete this sentence? This week Ghislaine Maxwell was sentenced to 20 years for her part in a sex trafficking scandal, and while it's not a contest, R. Kelly was sentenced this week to 30 years. At the sentencing, the judge reportedly said to R. that while he may not have a complete first name, he will get a complete sentence. According to The Lorem Ipsum's sources, Maxwell's lawyers are already preparing an exquisite reception for her return to prison. Maxwell is reported to be wearing an orange Gucci v-neck jumpsuit and crocs.
  • Pre-NATO-care. Congratulations to Vladimir Putin for this unrelenting dedication to dampening the expansion of the NATO military alliance, which has resulted in the opposite. As a result of his war against NATO expansion, there has been more, previously unplanned, NATO expansion.

    The alliance has begun the process of accepting Finland and Sweden after receiving Turkey's support. They've also laid the groundwork for a stronger military posture toward the east (finger points to Russia).

    Russia has warned that there will be consequences if they still have any soldiers left.
  • American Idiot. Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day is taking a Dookie on the US by saying Good Riddance. He says he's leaving the USA to live in the UK. Even if we wake him up When September Ends I doubt there will be a reprieve from his Boulevard of Broken Roe vs Wade Dreams.  

Well, that is all I have for this week's news. As if that isn't enough, here's The Gist.

All Life is Precious

The Gist

It’s only maybe a couple of times inside of a decade that I decide to take an issue with someone to the point where I will cut them off from the fellowship of the internet. Given my temper, my approach is usually to print their name out on actual paper so I can light it on fire and hold it over an ashtray, and burn it down to my thick fingers before blowing and cursing them out.

But honestly, I'll never cut anyone off for a different point of view. I get it. You're standing up for the rights of those who are not yet born.

Or perhaps I should say until they are born. Read The Article.

Thanks for reading. The most valuable thing you can do without taking out a loan is to share your point of view in the comments section.

What do you think about our Supreme Court's latest move? ‌‌How will you celebrate the 100th release from The Lorem Ipsum? What are your plans now that your abortion has been canceled?

Share your thoughts.

Until next time.

Have a great weekend!