Make Penitentiary Great Again

Orange is the New Black 2024. Plus, a contributing author and more in this week's news.

Make Penitentiary Great Again

Hey friends,

I'd just like to take a minute to congratulate Donald J. Trump on his decision to run for President. What a big announcement.

Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't also congratulate him on eleven ongoing criminal and civil investigations soon to include criminal indictments embellished by his two impeachments–more than any President ever. Very inspiring.

Let's just get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 45 of 2022

Orange is the New Black 2024

As noted above, on Tuesday, Trump announced that he would run for President, which was the only true thing he said in his announcement speech. (more)

The Elections are Over-ish

After a tight race, it's been determined that the Democrats will control the Senate and Republicans will control the house, both by a narrow majority. Some districts still remain too close to call as of Thursday night, including in Colorado where Lauren Boebert leads against Adam Frisch by 668 votes and is heading for a recount. Experts say to expect lunch orders to be more complicated with the near-even divide between people in congress who want onions and people who don't. The same is believed to be true when it comes to legislation, except instead of onions, the toppings will be voting rights or funding for climate change initiatives. (more)

Related: Currently, Kari Lake is promoting election fraud claims on her Twitter account. There's also a conspiracy about Kari Lake's photos and videos going around accompanies by the hashtag #nofilter but anyone who is paying attention knows this is completely false. Here's proof.

Hanging up the Dentures

Speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi announced she will not seek reelection as speaker in the new Congress but will continue to serve as a representative for her district in San Francisco. Nancy is best known for saying that she wanted to punch Donald Trump, saying (and I quote) "I'm going to punch him out, I'm going to go to jail, and I'm going to be happy". Perhaps also notable is that Nancy was the first woman speaker of the House of Representatives, noting that when she joined, there were 12 Democratic women (there were 11 Republican). The change brings Democrats in the House younger leadership and better positions Nancy to punch Donald Trump. (more)

New Missile Who Dis?

A missile slipped into Poland's DMs killing at least two people earlier this week, sparking alarm in NATO territory. Initial reports stated that the bomb was intentional and of Russian origin. After further investigation, it was determined to be a sort of military butt dial, from Ukraine's attempt to shoot down Russian missiles. Ultimately, NATO still believes Russia is to blame for the accident. (more)

Student Loan Debt

A federal judge in Texas ruled that President Biden's plan to erase student loan debt was unlawful, throwing its future into question. The education department is suspending student debt relief applications until further notice. The Biden administration continues to defend the measure and may see it end up in the Supreme Court at some point. (more)

Biden: That's What Xi Said

US President Joe Biden met with Chinese President Xi Jinping in Bali on Monday and had a cordial conversation, acknowledging their competition while affirming their intent to do so without conflict. The two also mentioned Taiwan, Xi stating that they hold a firm line, and agreeing on the topic may be hard – to which Biden said "that's what Xi said!" (more)

FTX-ed Out of Existence

Investors in FTX are picking up the imaginary pieces after the cryptocurrency trading company has ostensibly evaporated almost as fast as Twitter's employee headcount over the last couple of weeks. The crash has cost hundreds of thousands of investors their savings and shed new light on the challenges of the scarcely regulated investment instrument. Analysts have been examining the downfall of the leading crypto platform and have determined its value, previously in the billions, now rivals that of cryptocurrency itself at less than zero. (more)

To the Moon and Back

NASA launched its first Artemis mission, an unmanned spacecraft on a journey to the moon, which will make it back here in under a month on December 11th. The last mission to the moon was in 1972, using the equivalent of an Erickson cell phone from 1996 that was the size of a brick outhouse built in the late 1800s. Today's technology brings us iPhones and the ability to add a substantial number of steps to buy concert tickets–offering reassurance to the crew in the promise of a successful mission. The team celebrated with the tradition of cutting of the end of their neckties. (more)

That's it for the news. Now here's The Gist.

It Sucks Being a Swinger

The Gist

Since launching the Lorem Ipsum, I've enjoyed being the only one with an opinion, and we never seem to disagree with us. However, this week, I invited a friend, Alison Dagnes, Professor of Political Science at Shippensburg University, to offer her take.

She covers how many ways there are to say Soda while not exposing her own, but she does expose a number of other very interesting points.

It Sucks Being a Swinger
No matter how attractive you are (as a voter) if you’re not in one of 12 states, you may never see a Presidential candidate.

That's it for this week. Have a great weekend!

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