Golden Lobes

Covering all the senses, including the sixth sense known as the munchies. It's a big week in the news.

Golden Lobes
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Hey Friends,

Listen, this week, I'm asking everyone to pick their favorite host for the Golden Globes.

It's a tough call.

Unless you had a chance to see the Golden Globes this week.

And, say, in 2014 or 2015.

Earlier this week, the 81st annual Golden Globes was hosted by Jo Koy, a former comedian and, purportedly, also a current comedian. The first-time host, who goes by Jo on a first-name basis or Joy if you are on a book-ended-name basis, received terrible reviews for his performance. He received heat, especially for his Taylor Swift joke, since Taylor is not known to take one. As she has explained, if you say it in the streets, it's a knockout, but if you say it in a speech, it's a cop-out. Expect a muli-platinum album with a hit song about this moment.

According to Rumors, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is considering bringing Koy back again next year, this time as part of the kitchen staff, after noting that he had a knack for low-hanging fruit. Critics, however, worry that Koy may serve the celebrity guests food half-baked, like many of his jokes.

Koy's performance was so bad that Chelsea Handler evidently broke up with him in advance. He had his teeth whitened especially for the event, but after his persistent jokes about "white people," even his teeth felt uncomfortable, which was evident in his performance.

The Golden Globes is known for its long and exacting award categories, including examples like "Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries, or Motion Picture Made for Television," and similarly "Best Establishing Shot Featuring a Trans Actor in a Series, Miniseries, or Motion Picture or Reel, Musical, Makeup Tutorial or Comedy Made for Internet in Portrait Mode."

Sounds made up.

If you missed it, here's a list of the winners.

That's not all you missed.
Week 2 of 2024 was filled with lots of important news. Bill Belichick is out, and Trump's closing arguments are in...

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 02 of 2024

The Trail, The Stump, and The Bench

The Iowa Caucuses takes place on Monday, and Nikki and Desantis faced off in a CNN debate. Meanwhile, Trump appeared on Fox News and kept his powder dry, just as Desantis kept his mouth dry.

Note to Desantis if you're reading this: Since after Monday, you'll be looking for a job, here's where to apply at a coal fire Pizza Place in Florida, where you might want to get your application in ASAP. They may remember you from your visit with Fox News host Jesse Waters.

Trump appeared in court twice this week. First, before an appellate panel to argue his case for "absolute immunity," which was met with skepticism, and Second, for closing arguments in his civil fraud case, where he was kindly granted five minutes to speak to the court, a perfect time to practice his campaign speech. And in breaking news, one of his attorneys, Alina Habba, has perfected her court scowl, delivering a major blow to the prosecution. According to one source, the judge was quoted saying, "She seems mean." (Don't worry, average Republican! She's a Christian! She's wearing a cross around her neck).

Alina's trademark scowl, which requires an additional fee when included.

Here's the schedule for Trump's legal trials

A Speeding Bullet

This week, House Republicans made a deal with Democrats to fund the Government, which was then scuttled by members from the hard right. Members of the House Freedom Caucus were seen in a heated fight scene with Speaker Johnson on the House Floor. And faster than a speeding bullet, Johnson is now McCarthy, minus the sandwiches. He’s like Clark Kent, who thought a pair of glasses and regular clothes would be enough to disguise him. But catch him passing through a phone booth, and out comes a failed leader. Hey, not all Zeros wear capes. (more)

Capitol 'ill

One of the ways that Congress is trying to solve our budget problems is with a congressional hearing regarding Hunter Biden. Hunter showed up on Capitol Hill on Wednesday, ready to testify before the committee, while Republicans refused to hear him so they could instead try to push a vote to hold him in contempt for shirking a congressional subpoena for a deposition. Hunter has agreed to speak to the Congressional Committee but insists his questioning must be public for fear his words will be taken out of context and used against him.

Notable drama includes Hunter walking out of the room as Marjorie Taylor Greene is granted the floor, after which she calls him a coward. This is unrelated, but I hear she uses a nail file to even out her teeth, and based on the angle, I think she might be left-handed. (more)

Austin Limits

Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin is now our hero because he was hospitalized for complications from a prostate cancer surgery back in December And went days without the White House knowing he hadn't been coming into work. Subsequently, Austin was nominated for the Costanza Award of Excellence in Human Achievement, and I will definitely give him my vote if asked. (more)

A Bridge to Nowhere

Back in 2014, Christie’s people closed a bridge for political retribution against a mayor who supported his opposition. The Bridge to Nowhere has foreshadowed his campaign for President. Chris Christie announced on Wednesday that he would be suspending his campaign, saying, "It's clear to me tonight that there isn't a path for me to win the nomination." For the rest of us, "tonight", was actually last year, but who can blame him for trying? (more)

Alaska For Another Plane

And if you think our political leaders have a few screws loose, they're in good company because so does the Boeing 737 Max, one of the best-selling and now least popular planes in the Boeing lineup. Over the weekend, Alaska Airlines made an emergency landing when a section of the plane by the emergency exit blew off – resulting in the death of a T-shirt, but no humans were significantly injured. The Federal Aviation Administration has grounded all Max planes for further investigation. (more)

Houthis and Hezbollahs

2024 is the year when no less than two Iran-funded military groups are getting hot and heavy in the Middle East. Last night, the US attacked Houthi rebels in response to persistent attacks on cargo ships in the Red Sea. Meanwhile, White House officials say there is a threat that the Lebanese militant group Hezbollah may attack US troops in the Middle East.

But consider this – if your military group's name sounded like a meat-based pasta sauce, wouldn't you be on tilt too? The problem I see here is Hell and virgins. When your whole belief system tells you your actions on earth will get you either a seat in Hell or a mattress surrounded by a thousand soft virgins, you do what you can to get the virgins, no question. And that seems to be the problem here. It's still unclear if the White House is calculating this into its foreign affairs strategy, but I believe it's something we shouldn't overlook, so I'll drop Blinken a note. (more)

Munchies by Pizza

Gypsy Rose Blanchard did nothing wrong besides organizing the murder of her mom. She ended up doing time anyway. Gypsy's mom, Dee Dee, had a condition known as Munchausen by proxy, with which individuals often project disease onto someone in their care. Of course, I thought they were referring to the condition that causes me to project my hunger for pizza onto someone in my care.

Dee Dee abused Gypsy by subjecting her to invasive medical treatment for ailments she didn't have, to the extent of removing teeth and her salivary glands, putting her in a wheelchair, and naming her Gypsy, among other things. After eight years, she was released in December and launched a new life and career, including a book, a documentary, and a husband whose "D is fire." (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz. Oh what a relief it is when you get your next issue of The Lorem Ipsum.

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