Good morning to everyone except me.
Last week, I made two erroneous mistakes regarding musical artists within the Hot Takes section of last week's issue of The Weekly. You deserve better, and I'm going to spend the next 367 words clearing the air.
Nickleback was not included in the vinyl record gifts that President Biden gave to French President Emmanuel Macron because they are a Canadian band. To be fair, I did say they "may or may not," which perhaps is a Rudy-Guilliani-ish defense, but it's my defense nonetheless. Still, I never should have misled you into thinking that a band like Nickleback could ever have been an American act. Because just look at their photographs. Every time I do it makes me laugh, and they clearly do not sport a US American brand (not counting the midwest-ish jeans in this video). They're just too nice to be from the states.
To pay my penance, I subjected myself to four hours of Nickleback's B-sides.
Following a joke about Nickleback, I broke the news of the death of Christine McVie, the lesser-known female member of the 70s rock sensation Fleetwood Mac. Everything I said in the Take was true, with the exception of one thing.
McVie did not write or sing the song Rhiannon. Stevie Nicks wrote and sang lead in the song. Once again, getting all of the attention. To be expected.
Several readers thought it was a clever joke about Stevie's attention-grabbing history. A few of you chuckled. Some of you cleared your throat. One reader made sure to send me a message immediately and correct me.
Thank you, Rob.
Just like the time that I ostensibly killed Betty White by featuring her life in a Take titled "Betty White Won't Die" only for her to join our dearly departed moments after the email was sent, Christine McVie did nothing to deserve this.
To refocus and emotionally connect with the late Christine McVie, I listened to Song Bird on repeat while choking back tears.
Frequently, I wake on Friday morning anxious, worried I made a mistake in the morning dispatch. An incomplete sentence. A copy and paste error. A broken link.
Last week, instead, I woke with a sinking feeling in my gut.
My vow to you is that I will continue to take my place in your inbox so seriously that I will continue to lose sleep.
Let's get to The News.
Week 49 of 2022
I'm pleased to inform you all that the infamous arms dealer Victor Bout (pronounced "boot" like "What are you talking a-boot?") has been released, and that means WNBA star Britany Griner has been released from Russian Prison. Griner's wife said she was "overwhelmed with emotions" as she thanked the Biden Administration for their work in negotiating Griner's release. Biden said he has continued in his effort to release another unjustly imprisoned American, Paul Whelan, a case he says Russia is treating very differently. Britany was arrested for carrying cannabis oil weighing less than eight coffee beans and sentenced to nine years in prison. In the USA, there were 542,502 people incarcerated in local and county jails for cannabis-related crimes in 2019. (more)
The January 6th Committee said this week they expect to make criminal referrals following their investigation of the January 6th insurrection. They say they have not decided, but according to insiders, the name that keeps coming up rhymes with bonald dump (sources refused to provide more details).
According to Committee members, they are meeting daily to work through the details and plan to have a final report on December 21st as a Christmas present.
In addition to potential charges against Trump or his allies, Trump's company this week was found guilty of tax fraud for providing lavish tax-free compensation to key employees. The penalties of $1.62 million won't be much of a burden for Trump's company, but the blow to his ego will. Trump had a lot to say on Truth Social, which he posted in ALL CAPS so that we could hear him better. (more)
Warnock knock knockin' on Walker's Door
The Georgia Senate runoff election took place this past Tuesday, and incumbent Raphael Warnock retained his seat. In his victory speech, he said to Georgia, "whether you voted for me or not, I will work every day for you," which is exactly how an elected position works. For Herschel Walker's part, after losing his erection, his concession speech was, "I'd like a burger, large fries, and a coke" (more)
The Twitter Files
Last Friday evening, Twitter released a thread of Tweets exposing that Twitter executives had intentionally suppressed the spread of a New York Post article about Hunter Biden and accusations of him conducting questionable business deals with a Ukraine energy company in an effort to get access to then Vice President Biden. The most striking thing about the story was how hard it was to read on Twitter because threads are just so inefficient. (more)
Iran Shuts Down Morality Police
Iran's Morality Police was basically a whole country-wide militia equivalent of Mister Strickland from Back To The Future, basically bitching at people for not following rules. After detaining a woman for not wearing a headscarf lead to her death, the country erupted with protests. Well, the Morality Police has been decommissioned, so instead, the Iranian Government is just executing protesters including by hanging. (more)
Ukraine has not publicly taken credit, but we all know it was them who have completed drone strikes on Russian targets near Moscow. They hit two military bases, effectively escalating the war Russia has raged in Ukraine. In other news, here's a video of Drunk Putin saying, "they started it" (more)
Fried Green Tomatoes Go Blue
The Democratic National Committee’s Rules and Bylaws panel on Friday voted to adopt President Joe Biden’s plan to move the South Carolina primary to the front of the party’s presidential nomination calendar, which takes away the leading positions of Iowa’s long-influential caucus —followed by New Hampshire, Nevada, Georgia, and Michigan. The change impacts the beginning of a Democratic campaign and, most of all gives candidates an excuse to go to all of these amazing places for food. (more)
That's it for the news. Now here's The Gist.
I Mentioned The Bisque
This week's article is about nothing. But in case you think I yad yada'd over the best part, let me explain the back story.
I wrote the original draft of this article on a notepad while in bed one night. A lot of times, I write in bed, and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work, but my astronaut pen (a gift) is able to write upside down. BUT, I had trouble finishing the draft because Jack Klompus took the pen back.
I eventually finished the piece.
This article, a commentary on a Supreme Court Case about nothing, is half humor, half politics, half trivia. How can you go wrong?
Bonus points if you can give me the count of Seinfeld references.
That's it for this week. Thanks for reading, for sharing, and most of all, for trusting me with a moment in your inbox.
Have a great weekend!