This is how I killed Betty White

This is how I killed Betty White

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone except me, because I think I killed Betty White.

It wasn’t intentional. Last week I provided you with a recap of the news as always, which ended with a story of Betty White. This email was finalized in the late evening hours of Thursday night, December 30th, and delivered at 5:00 am on Friday Morning December 31st.

Here’s what I said:

Betty White won’t die. And we don’t want her to either because she’s America’s favorite grandma. She’s turning 100 in a couple weeks. Her secret? Don’t eat anything green.

Little did I know, I would be scooped by her actually dying. The only reasonable explanation: The Lorem Ipsum must have had something to do with it.

The smoking gun here is the headline, paired with the timing of the email itself. The suspicious responses came pouring in immediately.

Betty was as healthy as I am (I’ll be careful not to write a similar Hot Take about myself). In fact, on December 29th, she told Entertainment Tonight “…I’m the luckiest broad on two feet to be as healthy as I am and to feel as good as I do!”

So in the interest of coming clean, and respecting a comedy and kindness legend, I am going rewrite my Hot Take on Betty right here:

Betty White won’t die. That’s because Betty will always be in our memories, television and movie archives as one of the most hilarious and most adored performers on earth. A documentary of her life and career is set to take be released on her 100th birthday.

Long Live Betty.


Good morning and welcome to the first issue of 2022.

Things are looking good so far for this year. We’ve got a middle aged Beavis and Butt-Head movie in the works, Omicron turns out to be less severe than other variants and we have a Republican (Liz Cheney) who is making headlines for her defense of democracy (which used to be normal).

It’s going to be a good year!

I’ll talk about that in this week’s very brief article.

For now, Here’s The News.


Hot Takes

Week 1 of 2022

Breaking: You can’t date AOC. Specifically if you are republican or wearing shoes that cover your feet. The very junior congresswoman made this clear in a response to a tweet that was not even kind of related to sex where she called republicans sexually frustrated, signing off with the common congressional salutation “ya creepy weirdos”.

Also Breaking: The Lorem Ipsum knows its sexy as well and takes every opportunity to mention it. Also, the Lorem Ipsum is pale and thinks it is rude to make fun of its feet.

Elizabeth Holmes is convicted on 4 of 11 counts of fraud, having defrauded investors of millions of dollars. As a result, her Steve Jobs style turtleneck is going to be striped.

Trump Cancelled His January 6th speech thanks to a press advisor who noticed he had no clear message. As a result, instead of getting bad press about doing the speech, he’s getting bad press about how he would have gotten bad press for a speech he was going to give but cancelled.

The French Seem Rude, and their President is no exception. This week he said their approach to coronavirus is to “piss off” the unvaccinated minority and make their lives harder. Since shaming people is working so well in the USA The Lorem Ipsum is wishing them luck.

Our previous worst president (Jimmy Carter) wrote an op ed about how he fears for our democracy. He’s got a point.He also had a siamese cat named Misty Malarky Ying Yang which is not related to this Take but I thought it was interesting.

A Reality star who sold farts in a jar is now in the hospital due to severe gas. There are no embellishments to this Take.

That’s it for the news this week!

Here’s The Gist


This is why we can't have nice things.

The Gist

I’ve been thinking about what’s important and what I should write about in 2022. Here is a brief essay about my plans for the year, and an invitation to you.

Thank you for reading. Have feedback? Strange questions about Jimmy Carter’s pets? Hit reply!

Have a great week!



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