Bluetooth for Speaker
Plus, how to think two things at the same time. It’s this week’s news.
Hey Friends,
I'm here this week with a quick note to say that you can like two things at the same time.
For example, if you like Chipotle, that doesn't mean that Qdoba's pickled jalapenos aren't an excellent addition to a burrito bowl. Similarly, liking Chipotle's guac doesn't make their queso any better.
If you think Chipotle is the better of the two, it does make you a better person, but it doesn't mean you can't appreciate the good things about Qdoba and remain critical of the injustice of Chipotle charging $2.70 for guac.
You don't have to pick a side when the cost is that high.
Except for the side of valuing innocent lives and crushing the terrorists who exploit and attack them.
Let's get to The News.
Hot Takes
Week 43 of 2023
Speaker
You know the week is a good one when pretty much no things get done, a phenomenon I've come to call Congress. To catch you up on what hasn't gotten done, it's anything because House Republicans have still not figured out how to adult. This Tuesday, they nominated Tom Emmer of Minnesota and also, on Tuesday, un-nominated Tom Emmer of Minnesota for speaker of the House.
To date, the chamber had only one actual speaker, which happens to be a small Logitech Bluetooth speaker on Jim Jordan’s desk, powered by three C batteries, where he listens to Eye of the Tiger before each session.
This was the tune of the House until they nominated Mike Johnson of Louisiana, usually referred to as “Who Is Mike Johnson?” He won the nomination on a platform of exhaustion and based on his experience not being Kevin McCarthy. His campaign tagline is "Google Him!" which many of his colleagues were doing because, before nominating him, many thought he was one of the interns, and according to his resume, I am not sure I can dispute that while maintaining my journalistic integrity. He reminds his party that elections won't deny themselves, and our "democracy" needs a leader with a history of doing just that.
Johnson received unanimous republican votes to win the gavel–like a cannibal buttering up his dinner. (more)
Guilty
At least four of Donald Trump's co-defendants have pleaded guilty in the Georgia RICO case about election interference. My favorite is Jenna Ellis, who tearfully told the court she is an "Attorney who is also a Christian" and then proceeded to talk about the work she did with pussy grabber Donald Trump to help block an election. To be fair, she didn't know the election claims were false because she trusted people like Rudy Guiliani, and if someone has brown sideburn juice dripping down the side of their face, why would they lie?
In addition to the guilty pleas, Trump's final hour chief of staff, Mark Meadows, has been meeting with Special Counsel Jack Smith to discuss his role in the Federal case against Trump. This includes a first-hand account of the time that then-President Trump threw a happy meal at the wall, staining the First Hallway with ketchup, which, according to some reports, since drying, now bears the likeness of the former Commander in Chief himself. Mark's potential testimony is expected to be a hide saver of sorts, which is to say, not good for Trump's defense. (more)
Pence
Mike Pence’s campaign events have been so small the event security has been a wet floor sign. This week, Mike spoke to two retired people at a drug store — to be clear, he spoke to two, but there were around a dozen people there, but most of them were asleep.
According to one reporter who was at the event, the drugstore's receipts were longer than the line to meet Mike after the event. Still, printed on each one was a $5 coupon for a pack of razors, which Mike surely appreciated since the former VP's campaign has had to pinch pennies due to poor fundraising results, and we know Mike can't go without a clean shave, even if he can go without a clean conscience for four years. Thankfully, Gillette razors have blades thinner than Mike's poll numbers and sharper than most of his campaign staff, all of whom hopefully picked up applications at the retail store.
Pence's campaign has done exactly what I predicted last summer, except I didn't anticipate he would be picking up Bengay arthritis cream at one of his final campaign events. Pence is polling at about 3.5% in the national polls, which is good compared to the 2.1% for the Iowa polls, where the first round of Primary voting takes place. Any more campaign outcomes like this week stand the risk of doing more to help monologues than voters, which, I have to admit, is probably good for America. Thanks, Mike! (more)
Gag
Trump was fined for violating his gag order related to his civil fraud trial in Manhattan. The former Mango in Chief was called to the stand for about three minutes in response to comments he made, which appeared to be about a court staff person. Trump claimed his remarks were directed at Michael Cohen and not court staff. The judge didn't believe him and ordered him to pay a $10,000 fine for violating the gag order. For comparison, that's approximately one tank of gas in Trump's private jet or roughly double the actual value of his Manhattan business operations, although Trump would dispute that. (more)
Hostage
At least four hostages of Hamas have been released so far, with one elderly lady describing her experience "going through hell" as she described traveling through a web of tunnels. Some reporters analyzing her comments have suspected that Hamas must have taken her to an Ikea. There has been no word so far on whether she was fed Swedish meatballs. (more)
Abort
After the Dobbs decision, several states passed laws limiting access to abortion services. Since then, abortions have increased, which is considered a success when you use Republican math. To be more specific, states where bans were passed saw a sharp decrease in abortions but states where abortion is still legal beyond six weeks saw a sharp increase in abortions, amounting to a total net increase nationwide. Also, it looks like tourism is up in blue states, too. (more)
Quickly
- At least 18 people were killed in a shooting that started in a bowling alley in Maine. The suspect, Robert Card, who has a military background and a history of mental illness, is still at large.
- Hurricane Otis hit Acapulco this week, killing 27 people. It was the most powerful hurricane on record for the Pacific Coast.
That's it for this week.
Remember: As they always say, "The Lorem Ipsum: The Best a Man Can Get." so don't forget to give a copy to a man near you.
Have a great weekend!