Almond Milked

And the political infighting that takes place in the bathroom.

Almond Milked

Note: You're reading The Lorem Ipsum by Daniel Herndon. A Funny Email About Serious Topics. Make sure your inbox gets it by signing up here.

Hey Friends,

I have one really hot take this week.

Almonds are the new corn.

That's right. It seems like only moments ago, every packaged food was made out of corn. Now it’s almond flour, almond milk, almond butter, almond crackers, and almond cookies. Just this week, I had a salty snack, some dip, and a handful of nuts, and then capped it off with some dessert – and literally only ate almonds the entire time.

We can talk more about that in a minute...

For now, let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 03 of 2023

Hitting the Debt Ceiling

It’s been years since we made jokes about Janet Yellen speaking sternly, using her last name descriptively, but alas, yesterday, we hit the debt ceiling, and Janet has not been quiet about it. As a reminder, increasing the debt ceiling does not increase spending but rather allows the USA to fulfill the spending they’ve already committed to. Republicans insist that Biden commits to large spending cuts in order to authorize the borrowing process, but Biden says the Republicans should not use our ability to pay the bills as a bargaining chip (last time, the US had its credit rating drop, costing taxpayers billions). (more)

Western Weapons

The war in Ukraine is currently risking falling into a stalemate at we approach one year since the invasion, but recent decisions from the West and the US may aid in changing that. The Pentagon has begun to shift its position on the type of weapons it will send to Ukraine, shifting from where it started with nerf guns and rubber bands to the more powerful HIMARS. (more)

Material Girl

At one point, literally, everyone was dating Madonna or at least buying her records, but more recently, she’s gone the way of the Nikon Coolpix digital camera. Well, both are making a comeback, and expect to see them coming to a TikTok post near you. Madonna, who’s known for not being like a virgin, will be visiting cities across the US in 2023, except this time, she's traded her lingerie costume for a face full of botox and gold teeth/dentures. (more)

GOP Hit Man

A Republican candidate who was running for the statehouse in New Mexico was arrested for hiring four men to carry out shootings at state electors' homes. Solomon Peña lost his election by a landslide and blamed it on election fraud. In response, some Republican colleagues are describing his actions as “very Presidential” and expect him to have a promising future in their political party. (more)

Kanye Wed

As proof that there is someone for everyone, Kanye West got married again – this time to 27-year-old Yeezy employee, Censori. The Kardashians are confused as to whether the marriage is real or a PR stunt, after which Kim reportedly said, "I wish I would have thought of that." (more)


  • Alec Baldwin will be charged with involuntary manslaughter for holding the gun that resulted in an accidental death on the set of the movie "Rust" (more)
  • David Crosby of Crosby, Stills and Nash (and Young) died at 81. (more)

That's it for the news. Now here's The Gist.

The Almond Class

The Gist

With the biggest news out of Congress this week being about Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Green getting into a shouting match in a bathroom at the Capital, political news is in the toilet right now. When stories go this direction, even I am getting close to hitting my debt ceiling – that is, the debt I owe to you to keep you up to date on the shit that happens in Government and the arguments that happen immediately afterward, before their hands are even dry (sources say Boebert didn't wash hers).

Naturally, when I'm not refreshing news apps to see the latest count of documents found next to Biden's toilet, I do things like buying cars while eating almonds, an act of survival when stuck in the waiting area. Almonds are an excellent snack to get you through a few minutes waiting on a finance manager. Plus, they're free at the dealership, so I recommend them (unless you are watching a Boebert v. Green match, inc which case I recommend popcorn).

My family has worked with the same sales rep, Paul, for many years and several purchases. He’s a guy who loves selling cars and doesn’t seem aware he has one flap of his shirt slightly untucked or a tie disheveled. He remembers little things about you. Whether it’s the result of a good memory or a good CRM, I don’t know, but at a minimum, it's the result of what I call "giving a shit".

While crunching away at my chipotle-flavored nuts, I asked Paul if they were bringing some of their new electric models onto the lot. He pointed to several but proceeded to talk about all the reasons not to buy one right now. He explained that the technology is advancing so quickly that in two to five years, most people will want the substantially improved battery life the new models will offer, and the resale value of today's models will be that of a Ford Pinto (which arguably is one of the better cars for the environment because it is the least likely to drive). This is why he's my guy – because he's a straight shooter, willing to talk me out of a sale for the long-term benefit of his relationship with me as a customer, and never takes offense when I tell him there’s a piece of lettuce in his teeth.

Drivers interested in electric cars buy them for various reasons, including interest in the advanced features, saving money on fuel, and reducing one's carbon footprint. Since saving money by buying a $100,000 car is an oxymoron, we can rule out economic benefit as a reason for purchasing and conclude most people buy them because they want to.

Paul tells me many buyers say they’re aiming for a reduced carbon footprint, but he explained that while advocates for electric vehicles are touting the environmental benefits, no one wants to talk about the impact of producing the enormous batteries required to make them. Mining for lithium, cobalt, copper and other minerals required for electric cars involves enormous mines which destroy the landscape permanently, devastate the water supply, and in some cases, involve child labor (which some argue builds character, but so does the greenery in Paul’s teeth).

Once an electric car is on the road, its carbon footprint is well below that of its gas-fed counterpart, but the impact of production will make fossil fuel-powered cars blush. Furthermore, the disposal of retired batteries is a concern we have little data about, but we can picture the landfill fires already.

We don't currently know if the net result is better or not for electric cars. What we do know, however, is that the minerals needed for electric car batteries are scarce, and supply is struggling to keep up with the growing demand. Suffice it to say that we don't yet have a solution to reduce the environmental impact of our addiction to driving. We simply have an innovation growing pain. The Almond Class will have to buy what they prefer because they can afford what may not be an option for others. That doesn’t mean we should abandon the tech. In fact, we should continue full speed ahead, but keep our hands on the wheel, autonomous driving or not.

This brings me back to nuts. Almonds, the magical super nut, have grown in popularity enormously. The growing demand has led to the development of massive mono-crop farms, demanding enormous amounts of water and depleting the land surrounding it as a result. The popular way to drink a latte has required California’s water resources to be reallocated to keep up with demand. To produce as little at 16 almonds requires almost fifteen gallons of water. Get the economy-size bag, and you're one step away from a whole swimming pool.

The lesson is this:

Siete Almond Flower Mexican Wedding Cookies are amazing but don't expect your plant-based lifestyle to get you into heaven. However, you might need it because it looks like this place is burning up.

That's it for this week.

Thanks for reading and supporting my work.

Have a great weekend!

Support The Lorem Ipsum:

Share: The Lorem Ipsum is better with friends, so please share it all over the internet, including at these links on Twitter, Facebook, or Linkedin
Founders: If you like The Lorem Ipsum and want to keep it going, become a Founder for as little as $4.17 per month, or just leave a tip.