A Likely Story

Trumped up, Tuckerd Out or Audi 5000. It's this week's news.

A Likely Story
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Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone except the person who keeps calling me without leaving a message.

A Mr. "Likely" keeps calling me. So, if you’re reading this newsletter, and your name is 'Scam Likely,' I will not return your call if you don’t leave a message.

Anyway, today I'll be quick.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 07 of 2024

Trumped Up Charges

This week has been a busy one for Trump’s legal calendar, with Georgia and New York cases in play. Yesterday, a judge ordered that his criminal trial in Manhattan would proceed, with a date of March 25th, rejecting Trump's attempts to delay the case on hush money payments to Stormy Daniels. While that ruling was going out, Nathan Wade, a prosecutor and "colleague" of Fani Willis in Georgia, was being asked detailed questions about a time when they were in a personal relationship (also referred to as "having intercourse" or "tapping that") to determine whether the case against Trump should be dismissed and the former lovers should be disqualified.

The questioning yesterday went on most of the day, ending with a heated Fani (no pun intended, but Willis did accuse the opposing attorneys of a few pants-on-fire lies). Fani will be on the stand today as well. (more)

Vladimir Tuckered

Tucker Carlson interviewed Russian President Vladimir Putin and presented him with hard-hitting questions like "Why did you invade Ukraine?" and "Do you need more time to tell us about the history of Russia? I might be able to provide you with a shoulder massage while you're explaining to me again how terrible you've been treated by the West." The interview aired on his site, which is similar to The Lorem Ipsum, except less popular. He also highlighted that Moscow was nicer than any American city — understandably because it is clean and safe, and you don’t have to deal with the dangers of homelessness or freedom of speech.

Tucker has received a lot of criticism for his interview, but besides the softball questions, Tucker did fine. Every smart journalist would have taken the gig if he could. Ultimately, Vlad chose Tucker because he wanted to create a narrative for the US, and he looked for a friendly place to do it. (more)

Space Lasers

We've already looked into Jews with space lasers, thanks to Marjorie Taylor Green, but we've found little to corroborate her claims. But this week, a US Congressman surfaced intelligence that Russia may actually have some nuclear capabilities able to disable all US satellites and military communications.

It appears that the world powers are turning space into a place of war. This is notable because we've been wondering since we were kids how plausible Star Wars was, and with the exception of Carrie Fisher in a dessert slave outfit, it's starting to become pretty real. In this case, Vladimir Putin was Jaba the Hutt before he let himself go. To date, Russia‘s nuclear space capabilities have not been launched into orbit yet, but the Death Star took time to build, too, so let’s keep an eye on this space. (more)

Audi 5000

The early 2000s version of the saying "Make like a tree and leave" is this headline, and it's also what House Republicans said on Tuesday to Homeland Secretary Mayorkis when they impeached him. House Speaker Mike Johson said, "Next to a declaration of war, impeachment is arguably the most serious authority given to the House [but, what the hell.]" <– That last part of the quote was paraphrased roughly based on my reporting. It's expected that the Senate may have considered the articles of impeachment that were passed over from the House, but mainly because they originally thought it was the group lunch order. (more)

The Majority Rules

The Race for George Santos' seat happened on Tuesday, with immigration as the leading wedge issue. The race heated up, nearly as warm as George's seat (from his pants being on fire), with the Tuesday results ending in a win for Democrat Tom Suozzi. This win has narrowed the majority even more for the already thin Republican lead in the House. Speaker Johnson downplayed the results as "not really that bad," but I think it's like eating corn chips – you're fine with it while you're the one eating them, but to everyone around you, it stinks. (more)

Be Still My Pop-Tart

This week, Bill Post, the guy who created Pop-Tarts, died at 96 years old. He was a sweet guy with a warm, gooey center and an exterior like cardboard. Bill died of natural causes. However, some experts say that if he hadn't invented Pop-Tarts, he might have lived to 97. (more)

Breaking: Bad Beat

Maybe the Biden crime family is fleecing America, or maybe an ex-FBI informant made a bunch of stuff up. Either way, a newly unsealed indictment is a bad beat to the Republican strategy.

That's it for this week.

Remember: Let your fingers do the walking. Forward The Lorem Ipsum to a friend instead of delivering it in person. It's time to save paper/trees anyway.

Have a great weekend!

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