468 More Weeklies

Donald extends his thanks to Ye for filling in for him this week. And, does prison even work at decreasing crime?

468 More Weeklies

Hey friends,

Good morning to most of you and good afternoon to Brittany Griner who will be in a Russian penal colony for the next 468 Lorem Ipsum Weeklies. Approximately.

Evidently in Russia, even celebrities can go to prison when they break the law.

Of course, Brittany's sentence is much longer than the typical sentence of a Russian convict but that is understandable when you take into account that a Russian prisoner can't be traded for a weapons trafficker in a US prison.

More on prison life in a minute...

But first, let's get to The News.


Hot Takes

Week 43 of 2022

Okay for Ye but not for They

I had always thought that the 90s would be the only time I would have to use the term "The Artist Formerly Known As..." as a proper noun, but post-pandemic life is weird. Ye – The Artist Formerly Known As Kanye West is in the news, mostly for hating Jews (rhyme not intended).

The rapper, fashion designer, and political candidate will need to take it Yeezy if he wants the Yecosystem to be Yeconomically viable. Ye, who does know how to read, claims he has read "Mein Kampf" and brags about his ability to get away with saying anti-Semitic things. He's partly correct based on sales of his products, except that in the last week he's been dropped more times than critical words in a John Fetterman speech.

Addidas took a minute to decide whether or not they preferred the $250 million in profits but eventually decided they didn't want to be associated with Nazis like they literally were back in 1933. In addition to the anti-Semitic comments, Adidas executives said they also felt like his gold teeth looked dumb too, and probably were going to cancel him anyway. (more)

Clarence Thomas Blocks Lindsey Graham's Testimony

The husband of Ginny Thomas, the least prosecuted insurrectionist, has blocked Graham's testimony in an investigation into Trump's attempt to overturn the 2020 election results in Georgia, at least temporarily protecting the former President. Lindsey stated in his emergency request, which he filed last Friday that he wanted to make it clear that "Lindsey" is a unisex name – He also argued that his post-election efforts in Georgia were legislative activity – two details that are currently in dispute. (more)

Johnson is out. Sunak is in.

In an announcement poised for a LinkedIn update, Rishi Sunak said he was "Humbled and honored" when he accepted the position as Prime Minister. His victory was already likely but was secured all the more when Boris Johnson dropped out of the race due to the fact that he was "There is a very good chance" he would win the election. Sunak announced that his first order of business would be running the government, something his predecessors were never able to get around to. (more)

Isn't Xi Lovely

Xi Jinping has made it official. He is President of China again. It's really not cool that I'm making puns out of Xi's name, but if he can appoint himself as President of the largest country on earth, I believe I can appoint myself as responsible for making fun of him on an email I am the editor of. He's also appointed his best four buds to consolidate power beyond what we've seen in decades. (more)

Leslie Jordon

The man who got us through the pandemic with his heartwarming and funny videos died in a car crash, but conspiracy theorists believe he only died with a car crash. Leslie was known for shows like Will & Grace, Boston Legal, and numerous cameos where he played a character so unique and charming that every role after that was identical. At 67, Leslie's life was short, and at 4 foot, 11 inches, so was he. Leslie will always be remembered for his witty personality which can be enjoyed anytime right here on Instagram.


That's it for the news. Now here's a  reader question.

The Ice Box

Ask The Lorem Ipsum

Hey Daniel, I've been in prison for the last 3 years or so, and to my suprise, I'm starting to enjoy cream of wheat and I can't believe it's not butter™. With the exception of people like Britany Griner, I'm wondering if putting people on ice makes a difference. I'd rather be committing crimes TBH. So... Does prison even work even?

Sincerely, Counting The Days

Recently, I was faced with the challenge of making a dip for my chips (specifically the potato variety, but if you're Dan Quale, the proper spelling is potatoe). The chips certainly needed something to soften their journey into my mouth, not to mention to make them more enticing for yours truly, and I'm guessing better for my health. I reached into the fridge, and couldn't help but notice how miraculous it was that the very delicate sour cream I own has managed to stay fresh and safe for consumption for as long as it has.

Anytime you want to keep something fresh, we all know the best thing to do is to put it on ice. This is also how we refer to the act of storing away a pair of shoes when you buy two identical pairs, knowing you soon won't be able to find that style or size again. The scenario plays out somewhat like this.

You: "Nice shoes Bob!"

Them: "Thanks. I like 'em so much, I picked me up a second pair. I got them boys on ice!"

Finding the right shoes can be tricky, but to look on the bright side, in modern times, we don't have to rely on the life span of a block of ice to keep things cool, but we also can make and keep actual ice using the magic of refrigeration.

If you want a dip for your potato chips or you need to keep your meat from going rancid before you eat it as people did in the early 1900s, you can always use a fridge. Not only will the device keep your meat in edible shape, but it also allows you to maintain a more substantial food supply.

The same is not true for people. Unfortunately, storing people doesn't work the same as storing cold meat or a pair of sneakers. Putting people on ice doesn't keep them from going bad.

According to the Sentencing Project, in the US, we have had a 500% increase in incarcerated people over the last twenty years without a similar decrease in crime. In fact, the US has the highest prison rate in the entire world.

Many operate under the belief that locking up criminals decreases crime by essentially incapacitating the perpetrator, but following that logic would then tell us to lock up any male in a family with an income under the poverty line. Obviously this is inconvenient because we have to wait until a crime is committed before locking them up. Odds are if I have one chip dipped in a homemade dip, I'm going to want another one. Similarly, once someone is in the cottage industry known as the prison system, they have a high likelihood of taking another dip too.

According to the Pew Charitable Trust, some experts say "it's complicated" when asked if incarceration decreases crime. Most would conclude that locking people up does have an impact on crime, but generally speaking, it doesn't reduce crime by solving a problem. In fact, expanding the reasons to be put on ice has increasingly incarcerates the populations who are less criminal overall, and greatly favors the poor (hint: crime also favors the poor).

What seems to be clear, if you put something on ice, you might cool it off, but after a while, it starts to get rancid. The only life a young prisoner knows is that of a criminal, and we're running out of space in the fridge.

Thats it for this week. Enjoy your weekend!


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