Trust The Magic 8 Ball

Foreign policy tips from a Toys-R-Us kid. I'm live and on the scene, but also last minute. It's this week's news.

Trust The Magic 8 Ball
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Hey Friends

It's been a busy week in the news but also a busy one here behind the keys.

Only occasionally do I get death threats for the work I do through this newsletter. When I do, it's almost always for one of two things. The first and most likely is for delivering a barb on a public tragedy just a little too soon when tender hearts are still in their most delicate state. The rest of the time, someone believes my barbs are delivered too late.

I have an answer for the latter, and that is to check your spam! Over the last nearly three years, I've never missed a Friday with fresh quips, and so far, you've never run short on tomatoes if I get a little off-color. When it comes to the former, if I get hate mail, the best I can do is remind you of my disclaimer.

I'm not a professional comedian, but I play one in this email. A lot of my content contains sarcasm. This is dangerous, so don't try this at home.

But alas, even with a wave of unsubscribes, there are many that insist on their morning serving, piping hit, so the show must go on. As I sit on a plane, with tiny bottles of alcohol to get me through it, I'm writing this issue of the Lorem Ipsum, committed to changing the world through timely emails and untimely jokes, even if my own time is spread thin. I'm not outsourcing my thinking and percussive lectures to some artificially intelligent chatbot. My intelligence is synthetic enough on its own. Besides, in my book, a chatbot is little more than a magic 8 Ball improved. I speak only from the heart; I say as if I had one.

Currently, we’re watching the earth fold in on itself as the leading candidate for president is also the leading criminal defendant. At the same time, peace on earth requires wiping 42,510 people off it. While this is all happening, AI is melting the earth, both by creating lifeless content and by prompting the development of more energy-sucking, heat-producing data centers than ever. We thought crypto was bad, but people actually use AI, unlike Bitcoin, so expect more where that came from.

But I digress. I'm here to tell you I've been swimming in a sea of responsibility these days. Not only do I have clients that I adore (except the ones I hate!), but I have worlds to change, and by god, these cigars won't smoke themselves while I'm doing it, so I better get to it. But I also have drinks to drink and men to hold (accountable, that is!), so I tell the Reaper, don't come for me today. I'm feeling good, and I'mma savor it. I have to get to work on The Ipsum of the ancient tribe of Lorems.

And that's why I write to you today. Busy weeks, months, and years won't satiate your need for the good good news, and my drenched flight won't 'make you laugh while making you think' unless you are drenched with me.

So let's get drenched now in The News.

Hot Takes

Week 14 of 2024

Attacking from Behind

Donald Trump is on trial for a sex scandal, and opening arguments are in. He faces four years in prison, where, if convicted, he’ll also face more sex scandals than ever, this time likely from behind, as he's accustomed to doing to just about anyone he does business with.

This case falls outside of his time as president, but whether he can be tried for his election fraud cases remains in question. Just yesterday, his immunity case was argued before the Supreme Court. Based on analysis of the line of questioning, the Justices seemed skeptical that the former president wouldn't get "Molly Whopped" in prison, but seemed to align with the analysis that he would not end up "Doing the Dutch." (more)

Help Wanted

This Just In: College students are not hirable. According to the reporting of an anonymous social media influencer, journalist, and makeup artist live streaming from the scene, we've learned that Columbia's students are not qualified for jobs. In some cases, to address the issue, some students are attempting to prepare themselves for the workforce by camping on the grounds of their university, and skipping classes that cost them or their parents roughly $66,000 per year in tuition.

While professors are urging kids to "go to class" and "learn," students, instead, are drinking the water they used to brush their teeth or their friends' teeth while protesting issues they appear to be more educated on than, say, personal hygiene, calendar scheduling, emails, not to mention, history, foreign relations, the rules of war, and in general, just having a job. (more)

Congress is Ticked

Congress passed a funding bill this week aimed at funding the education of students at Columbia University with a lesson on the consequences of consequences.

The bill consists of $95 billion going to Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan and is paired with a vote to ban TikTok, a prescient move when young people are getting the majority of their news from Social Media, including TikTok, which appears to tailor its feed to shape narratives. The bill passed with enormous support from both parties in the House and Senate both over 75%. But please check with the kids to tap into their expertise on foreign policy. (more)

The New Non Non-Compete

It just became illegal to prohibit people from working for rivals under non-compete contracts. The FTC voted 3-2 on Tuesday to ban noncompete agreements that prevent tens of millions of employees from working for competitors or starting a competing business after they leave a job. Not that I intended to leave to start another newsletter, but it's nice to know I have the option. Because the ruling bans chasing even current contracts, some expect the market to respond overnight. (more)

Him Too

Harvey Weinstein's conviction was the centerpiece of the #metoo movement when 100 women accused him of sexual misconduct. Yesterday, his conviction was overturned by the high courts in New York. As always, we cover the breaking news whenever we get to it, but as almost never, I went to the Manhattan Criminal Court to participate in the press conference where Harvey Weinstein's goons, I mean lawyers, explained their case to the courts.

Harvey's legal team, including one guy with a $30 pair of sunglasses and about $17 worth of grease in his hair. Photo courtesy of me, but no thanks to the Social Studies teacher who randomly walked up to me to explain the legal system in its entirety.

The court ruled that letting all of his accusers testify against him gave him an unfair trial since the witnesses were referring to accusations that were not the ones he was charged with.

The ruling completes his classic collect-em-all sexual assault kit, which includes abuse of power, victim shaming, and bending the justice system in his favor. Weinstein will remain behind bars under a 16-year sentence in California for rape, in addition to the now-overturned charges in New York. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: "I don't want to grow up. I'm a The Lorem Ipsum kid." Stay young by sharing with a friend.

Have a great weekend!

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