The Scraps of Summer

Everywhere I looked, everyone was running. But what for? It's this week's news.

The Scraps of Summer
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Hey Friends,

We are in the home stretch of summer. The scraps of the season when each morning, you don't know whether to pack a jacket or sunscreen – or both.

I spent most of this week in Washington, D.C., relishing the final days of summer. Days which are quickly running out. And that's not the only thing that was running either.

That's right. In the US Capital, just about everyone was running. I saw so many people dashing through the trails of the National Mall that it made Indiana look like a colony of chubby newsletter writers. Based on their attire, I couldn't tell whether they were running for exercise or running for office.

I'll get to that in a minute...

But first, let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 38 of 2023

Retirement Gets Ugly

Not only is succession over on HBO, but it's coming to an end in real life, too, now that Fox News boss Rupert Murdoch is walking into retirement. The 92 year old's deep wrinkles showcase the years of running a media empire with almost as many wrinkles in its news coverage but no shortage of influence. He leaves the keys to the empire to Lachlan, his oldest son, who is 52, who definitely knew Dad would pick him the whole time. Rupert is a widely accomplished individual, one who divorced Jerry Hall, one of his four wives, by email. A billionaire like Murdoch accomplishes more divorces by 8 a.m. than most people accomplish in a lifetime. Notably, part of Jerry's divorce settlement in 2022 was that she could not give story ideas to the writers of Succession. (more)

Hunter Drama

The most boring thing that is happening in the judicial system this week is related to Hunter Biden. This week, new witness testimony has undermined the whistleblower claims that Hunter Biden received special treatment from the DOJ. Understandably, the privilege of being the President's son affords you front-page news even for fairly uninteresting crimes, but one of the worst of them so far is not doing his taxes right. IRS whistleblowers have said he received a sweetheart deal, thanks to the Biden DOJ, while new witnesses claim he was treated more like a Pumpkin Spice latte – pretty basic. Still, no word on whether Hunter's business consulting activities were a crime, but to be fair, no one really knows what "doing consulting" is anyway. (more)

In an effort to make good TV, the House oversight committee questioned Attorney General Merrick Garland in a routine oversight session, addressing the Hunter Biden saga. The "ad nauseam" segment of the event only hinted at the incoming impeachment inquiry of President Biden, which is still to come. The first official impeachment hearing, where President Biden is being accused of, among other things, being someone other than Donald Trump, will take place on September 28th.

Bounce Rate

Trump is expected to skip the second Republican primary debate on September 27th, a strategy that so far appears to be working according to the polls. Meanwhile, all other candidates are enjoying mostly one-digit rates in the early numbers, with his former VP polling well behind someone who probably spent the last few years playing video games – Ramaswami, at 7%, has a good chance of beating Pence come the Iowa Caucuses and a 100% chance of beating him in Call of Duty: Warzone 2.0.

As far as Trump goes, he is at 55%, with Desantis sitting with his pudding at 14%. These early polling leads tend to predict a winner, but with several criminal charges facing the leading candidate, we don't have a point of comparison. But Trump has expressed worries about prison time, and whether an Orange jumpsuit will clash with his skin tone. (more)

UN Convening

In New York, leaders from 145 countries convened for its 78th general assembly to talk about the world's problems, the biggest one being Russia, with climate change and AI coming in just behind it. In his speech, Biden warned his fellow world leaders of the importance of addressing artificial intelligence, saying that it "could govern us," which sounds complicated but somewhat tempting, and I think we should at least have Silicon Valley look into the idea, to have options. (more)

Another Shutdown

Congress faces another potential shutdown with a deadline of next week. Speaker Kevin McCarthy is facing pushback on what would otherwise be a procedural vote from some of the more conservative members, putting the Speaker's job at risk and, if there is a shutdown, pausing jobs for many others in the government as well. (more)

That's it for the news. Now, here's this week's Feature.

Wearing Scraps

Ask The Lorem Ipsum

Hey Daniel, I heard you were in DC this week, so I figured you would know. Can I wear a bikini into the halls of Congress, or should I be wearing a double-breasted pantsuit?

Best Regards, S.Collins, from Caribou, ME

Hey S, I'm flattered you asked. If you're heading to Washington, make sure you bring your Centrum Silver, in hopes that it aids in memory, and maybe take an iron supplement to aid in bone density while you're scantily dressed. It's always good to at least keep your balance and complete a sentence when in Congress, no matter what you're wearing.

Still, it will take more than a vitamin supplement to look ready for work in a bikini. For some of us, we may need to take up jogging. For others, it requires going back in time. We'll have to let the voters be the judge on that one.

According to the rules (insert a link to nothing here), there's a strict dress code consisting of modest dresses for women with their shoulders covered and waistcoats and ties for men. I can't be sure, but last time I checked, I think they also had to wear wigs too. The rules, despite not being written, have changed over time. Based on what I've seen in Washington, everyone wearing a bikini so far has covered it with a hoodie or a Cruella Deville coat, and for some, a billowing cloud of vape is an option, too – preferably in the vaping/smoking section in the back, please.

That doesn't mean wearing a thong is a no-brainer, even if it's a Carhart brand thong, John Fetterman's brand of choice. The temperature is ice cold in the halls of Congress, especially right now, while Republicans are icing lawmakers to focus on an impending impeachment of President Biden as a punishment for winning the election honestly back in 2020 and icing out their own sides (at least on the Republican side) as they face a Government shutdown if a budget provision is not passed.

That's why I think you should consider something more like a bulletproof vest to protect you from potential attacks, with extra armor on your back in case someone stabs you in it, and if possible, a chastity belt, just in case Donald Trump makes it back there before getting incarcerated.

But, honestly, any outfit will do, just as long as you can keep getting voted into office with it on – and if you are okay with the voters being the ones deciding. As far as what's next, let's try not to replace the carpet in the Capitol anytime soon because, as far as I can tell, the people in the halls of Congress will politicize anything they can, and, like a bikini clad lawmaker, I don't think we should stand for that.

Your Questions

If you want to turn the routine into a political stunt, make sure you link up with Matt Gaetz and Loren Boehbert on their next date. If you want to see stunts on paper, including web paper, Ask The Lorem Ipsum.

Send me your questions about anything at all to [email protected].

That's it for this week.

Thanks for being here and sharing around the world.

Have a great weekend!

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