The Oracle's News

The first tub, the last word, and what you missed last week. It's what's left of this week's news.

The Oracle's News
The First Tub"
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Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone except for people who hate Jerry Seinfeld.

In his recent conversation with Bari Weiss in her podcast Honestly, he explains the one and only rule of comedy.

To be funny.

Let's trust the laugh and save the canceling for the felons, grifters, and evil dictators.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 22 of 2024

Hush Little Jurist

The history of the US has been annotated with a single word. A word said 34 times. Before it was uttered, the news was a slog. The jury spent most of this week deliberating, reviewing testimony, and enjoying unlimited subs and sandwiches.

As the jury deliberated on the charges against Donald Trump, the first American president was sent to trial and the first to splash the walls of the White House with catchup after throwing his kid's meal. Soon, Trump would throw yet another fit.

Most news sources, including publications like The New York Times and CNN, covered the event in real-time, highlighting details like how "normal" things are in the nearby park. It may have been better to have made up the news entirely rather than make it seem like two people playing Chinese Checkers is newsworthy, even if it does qualify them for Trump's foreign relations team.

While the largest news sources in the world have confirmed that it is hard to get inside the jurors' brains, as a hard-hitting investigative reporter, I reached out to my clairvoyant, fortune-teller, and prophet to get as close as I can to uncovering what jurors might have been thinking throughout the week as they considered charging a former First Man as the First Felon. After I, and my diviner/therapist did a remote psychic reading that lasted roughly 45 minutes (until the free version of Zoom cut us off), I gathered notes to provide insight into the minds of the jurors. Here are some key takeaways.

  • Some jurors were desperate for more water, saying that watching defense attorney Todd Blanche made them "very thirsty" and "not in a good way."
  • Many felt that Trump looked guilty. "Just look at 'eem," one juror thought. But I would note that the courtroom lighting didn't do Trump any favors. While listening to the testimony, one juror imagined that Trump's hair was a "golden brillo pad," as she noticed it appeared thinner under the harsh fluorescent lighting.
  • Most jurors consider themselves pretty confident they could be objective in this case. Less so in deciding the fate of the accused, but jurors definitely believe they can be objective when evaluating their forthcoming book deals. One says (in his mind) that it's good to consider all options, including the advance and "whether the book deal can be followed up with a talk show hosting gig" and also, "Oh shoot, I should be taking notes."
  • Lastly, some wonder if they can believe Trump, especially when his arrest booking said he weighed 215 pounds with a trim waist. Others wonder if the rumors are true that he was often found basking in a gold-plated replica of the 325-pound former president William Howard Taft's custom bathtub – the First Tub, if you will (Note: Some jurors insist the term "First Tub" should be reserved as a special pet name between Trump and the former First Lady, Melania Trump).*
Trump's Tub. NOTE: Not to scale.

Obviously, none of these things really help us to predict the outcome of the case, and that is the nature of jury deliberation. Nothing happens until the jury emerges from their chambers. We had to wait for the news to break.

And it was totally worth it.

Sentencing for the Carrot Colored Convict will take place on July 11th, just before the Republican Convention, where the inmate will likely be nominated to lead the Grand Old Party into the next election – and into jail.

*I told you it would be better if the news were made up.

Alito Says No

In adjacent news, Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. says his neighborhood tiffs are not your business, and though he thinks the election was stolen, he can still be objective about the election being stolen. If you're just joining us, I'm referring to the flag debacle I reported in a recent issue in which Justice Alito's wife fought with their neighbors and posted Stop the Steal symbols.

In transparency, I got in a little tit-for-tat with some of my neighbors over a silly thing once, too. But as soon as I joined the HOA board, I decided I needed to hold to a higher standard. If I can do it, Sam can do it.

It's too late for that now, but whether he should recuse himself from a case he is a hair away from being a party to is for the experts to decide. Like it or not, Sam is that expert and gets to make this decision without our consent for the rest of his life. (more)

What You Missed: The Like Button

Feature Story

Last week, I published an article in which I uncovered insider information about the marketing business and how its byproducts have relinquished our free will.

Read the article here:

The Semantic Web
The dawn of the feature that would change the web and humans forever.

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is good to the last drop (into your inbox). How about getting your friends to percolate on a copy of their own?

Have a great weekend!

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