The Ham Sandwich

According to the polls, a lot of people like ham sandwiches. It's this week's news.

The Ham Sandwich
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Hey Friends,

They say a good prosecutor can get a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich. Well, this week in Georgia, she did. Donald Trump, the only living former president as lumpy as lunch meat folded between two slices of soggy bread, has received his fourth indictment. According to the polls, a lot of people like ham sandwiches.

I'll never look at ham the same way again.

More on that in a minute...

But first, let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 33 of 2023

Going Soft

The Desantis Campaign has been deflating from a firm second place to a pudding-soft number two. Even Ron's thick pudding fingers may not be enough to scoop his campaign out of its current slump after weeks of steadily falling in the polls. But don't worry, he replaced his campaign manager again, so they're putting together some fresh recommendations that include tactics like "taking a sledgehammer” to Vivek Ramaswamy and “defending Donald Trump” in the debates, all moves his aides feel good about. Maybe not 'Ron talking while chewing on greasy pizza' good, but campaign staffers do believe some voters will at least remember he is running for President. (more)


Great question. I'm fine, but Maui residents continue to be in recovery after the worst wildfire in US history destroyed West Maui around Lahaina. The current death toll is 111 deaths, with thousands unaccounted for as of yesterday. The catastrophe has proven devastating the Maui's economy, too, as visitors stay away, even from unaffected parts of the island. Officials say recovery will be challenging without continued commerce and tourism, so for those of you with a little extra PTO, I suggest you make a getaway to continuous Maui. (more)

Montana youth

Speaking of our world being on fire, in Montana, a group of kids, probably not dissimilar from the Goonies (or at least a trust representing them), sued Montana for violating their civil right to a clean and healthful environment. The fact is, the average reader (and average writer) of The Lorem Ipsum will be retired to that great newsletter in the sky before our internet-based tires ever melt onto the pavement, but our kids will be tired of 'waiting on the world to change' while they enjoy the classic oldie of the same name from John Mayer. A judge ruled in favor of the 16 young kids, putting Montana on notice – and they would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids. (more)

Alternate Kevin's

George Santos, who is already facing charges himself, was just joined by one of his staffers who impersonated Kevin McCarthy's chief of staff. George wasn't mentioned in the indictment, but I might as well mention him in this Take since they both like to pretend to be someone they are not and, if possible, to steal money from people. The story goes that Samuel Miele was behind “fraudulent fund-raising” emails and phone calls in which he impersonated Kevin's chief of staff by (I would assume) pinching his nose to do the voice of a McCarthy staffer in an effort to pitch big donors for money. On a related note, Santos continues to impersonate himself, a Jewish volleyball star named George Santos, who was mugged in Manhattan. (more)

Biden His Time

Hunter Biden's attorney has withdrawn from representing him so he can testify as a witness that the prosecution has tried to pull out of a legally binding agreement. Hunter's legal issues remain aloft, but as a key member of the Biden Crime Family, Republicans are confident they'll be able to cite him for egregious violations of HOA lawn height rules and possibly years of improper lawn maintenance. Other more significant crimes, after five years of investigation, remain in the realm of theory at this point, but the investigation is ongoing. (more)

Mortifying Mortgage

It's the perfect time to buy a house – unless you need to borrow money to do it, in which case it's the worst time since 2002 (more)

That's it for the news. Now here's this week's Feature.

Doing Two Things At Once

Feature Story

Finding a career that makes you happy is tough. Most people spend the better part of their life trying not to work at all. And they spend over 40 hours a week doing so. That's why, no matter what you do, you should do something you love that you can be proud of so that one day, you can look back on your life and say, I sure wish it wasn't over. Whether it's making coffee or expensing it in business meetings, find a line of work that makes you come alive.

I hope you're proud of what you do for a living. Especially if you're this LinkedIn AI-powered sales practitioner, half bot, half man that contacted me last week.

Vytautas, I'm glad I've refreshed you by being a writer and marketing executive, but I hope the Ignore button doesn't hit you in the ass because I'm not going to be adding you to my professional network at this time.

A LinkedIn AI-Powered Sales Bot Man

Your pitch sucks. Get any more cardboard-like in your tone than you already are, and I'd think you were a Desantis campaign. Worse yet, waste any more of my time, and I might confuse you for Mike Pence. But I'm not fooled. I know who you are. And I know this is a scam.

Last week, I made these shelves and hung them in my house. A couple of times per day, I walk past them and think, "That looks great." I can look at the work I did and feel good about it.

I can't look at this LinkedIn message and do the same if it were mine. Not only because it makes no sense, but is clearly the work of someone who has no insight, no self-respect, and may not even be human. It's from someone who thinks that they can hack the system to get what they want.

You don't have to be smart to be the president, and according to some, you don't even have to be elected. But it helps if you can be both. Of course, neither factor is essential to be a voter, a fact I'm certain some are counting on. In the case of Donald Trump, he is that Linkedin Message Bot, and to a degree, he thinks he is smart. Unfortunately, 53.8% of those asked, according to FiveThirtyEight, are falling for it and have invited him into their professional network. And that LinkedIn Bot is humbled and honored to share that he's accepted a position as the leading candidate, four times indicted.

Smoking is a bad habit, but it's amazing how much I need a cigarette after a Trump indictment because it's exhausting, even if satisfying. At this rate, I'll have lung cancer by late summer 2024, especially if the LinkedIn Scam is still ongoing.

Trump's legal troubles are bad for my health, but they're also bad for all of us. When a former president has a greater share of the polls than any law-abiding citizen, it says nothing good about our country. But the more Trump is indicted, the more he remains in the lead for the largest office – and his supporters continue to pay his legal bills willingly.

A good prosecutor can get a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich, but the prospect of a former president doing time seems both inevitable and unlikely at the same time. I'd rather have a Ham Sandwich in jail than one in the white house. If that LinkedIn Scam Bot and former President becomes the nominee or even wins another term on November 5th, we'll not only have a Ham Sandwich in the Whitehouse. We'll have egg on our faces.

That's it for this week.

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Have a great weekend!

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