The Big Easy
A laid-back, low-pressure issue of The Lorem Ipsum Weekly. No sweating unless it's from the humid temperatures or too much paprika.
Note: You're reading The Lorem Ipsum by Daniel Herndon. A Funny Email About Serious Topics. Make sure your inbox is getting it by signing up here.
Hey Friends,
I'm spending this week in New Orleans on vacation. For me, vacationing is more or less just finding another place to eat, but between meals, I've still captured the important news that you need to be aware of, but we're going to be brief today.
Consider this The Big Easy of Newsletters. A laid-back, low-pressure issue of The Lorem Ipsum Weekly. No sweating unless it's from the humid temperatures or too much paprika.
Good morning and welcome back to The Lorem Ipsum; we've got a lot of news this week, and also, gumbo is overrated. I'll get right to it and then start looking for some breakfast.
Here's The News.
Hot Takes
Week 12 of 2023
Perp Walk
The biggest news this week is that Donald Trump did not get arrested. To date, he is the only current or past president who could make news by NOT being arrested. Evidently, his imminent arrest wasn't imminent enough just yet.
As for Trump, he's been looking forward to his perp walk, the classic scene where high-profile criminals are paraded in nice suits before crowds of journalists. He's currently contemplating whether or not he should smile; some crisis communicators say yes.
GOP allies are saying the Manhattan investigation is a political move, wielding the government resources for ill gain, so they've decided to investigate the DA for investigating crimes, a move that is being celebrated for how not political it is. The Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg responded to a Congressional Inquiry requesting documents by saying "no" that their request was "not a good request" and that their reasons were "not good reasons" since the investigation is still ongoing.
In related news (and there is a lot of related news), this Wednesday, in the Mar-a-Lago case, Trump's lawyers had been ordered by the courts to hand over records. (more)
Yeild my Time
TikTok had a 'no bones' day with their CEO being called to testify before congress yesterday amid potential sanctions from the United States government over concerns that TikTok is a national security threat. The highlights are best viewed in 15-second reels, but in summary, Democrats and Republicans grilled Shou Zi Chew in a rare show of unity in their concerns for TikTok's alleged handling of data. According to several reporters in the room, they think the exchange between Shou Zi and the Congressmen got heated, but they missed it because they kept rewatching this world's largest elephant toothpaste video in shock. (more)
A Garbage Burger
Emmanuel Macron survived a vote of no confidence, which is not the same as actual confidence but is not not confidence either. The vote came after Macron pushed through a law to change the national retirement age by 2 years. The response has been nothing but garbage. (more)
No Loaded Fries
Putin visited Russian-occupied areas of Ukraine in a show of defiance just before receiving a visit in Moscow from Chinese President Xi Jinping. Reportedly, Xi actually was under the impression he and his team were going out for half-priced apps when he thought they said they were "going out for poutine." Putin, on the other hand, thought they were getting military weapons from China. Neither got the snack they wanted, but talks continue about both. (more)
No Soup for You
The fed declined to give banks a break on interest rates this week and bumped rates up by a quarter point, the market change that is believed to have complicated maintaining solvency for banks like Southern Valley Bank. Powell said you come back one year. (more)
Hotboxing
The term hotboxing refers to, among other things, when you drop a toot under the blankets, effectively warming the space above safe levels. That's what a report from the IPCC (Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change) says is happening for us here on earth. The blanket is our atmosphere, and the tush could be the USA, one of the countries emitting the most harmful gasses. Apparently, that fart will result in a 2.7 degrees increase in average temperatures within the next ten years. (more)
And that's it for this week's news. Enjoy literally anything this weekend except a hurricane cocktail, which is one of the worst cocktails of all time.
Have a great weekend!