Snooze Fest

Falling asleep on the job and the most artificial intelligence there is all right here in The News.

Snooze Fest
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The golden bachelor and his new (but also old) wife made it three months before tossing in the Viagra. They spent less time celebrating forever than Donald Trump has spent sleeping in court.

More on that in a minute...

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 16 of 2024

Sleeping Giant Ego

Picking a jury is harder than picking a crime to charge a former president with. It's an incredibly laborious and, ultimately, boring process—so boring that even a stable genius like Donald Trymp (spelling error mine) spent the week falling asleep in court as they tried to find 12 people who weren't unreasonably biased for or against the defendant.

It's been a slog so far. After 7 jurors were selected, two were dismissed for apparent bias after being asked questions like "Do you read The Lorem Ipsum?" and "Have you ever known someone to throw ketchup against a wall in their house?" and "If so, after they move out of said house, do you think they should clean it up or would they be immune?"

Like any other criminal defendant, Heavy D is required to attend each day in person, which means he not only needs to bring evidence to defend himself, but he may also need to bring a pillow. This provides Donald Plump with no campaign stops but unlimited media attention, making him the most covered candidate in history.

In the jury selection process, some were eliminated for social media posts celebrating Trump's loss in the 2020 election because they appeared to be biased. But here’s the real issue at hand. You could drive an RV across the whole US serving hotdogs and free refills on drinks of ungodly sizes, and with a line down the street, you'd still never meet someone neutral on Trump.

As of 5:00 yesterday, the courts confirmed that they found the last 12 people who were not biased, and now the trial can proceed. (more)

Johnson's Controls

When kids refuse to eat their vegetables, giving them snack bars is never a solution unless your goal is to stay in a cycle of being run by morons, or, more specifically, Marjorie Taylor Green and Matt Gaetz. That's what Speaker of the House Mike Johnson is facing right now. As he advances bills to fund Ukraine and Israel, he's up against a group of GOP legislators calling each other names, including a guy named Derrick Van Orden, who called Gaetz “tubby” for which we thank him, but the name only came after Gaetz called him a "squish." (more)

Super Woman For Hire

Caitlin Clark has signed with the Indiana Fever for a salary less than the manager of a grocery store in Fort Wayne, IN. Of course, being a grocery store manager is not as easy as it looks, what with all the different kinds of lettuce. Caitlin, on the other hand, has made history in Women's College Sports (which is similar to what is known as "College Sports" except with women athletes). She's achieved the most 30-point games by any man or woman in Division I in the past 25 seasons, not to mention, has broken several other records.

You can imagine why people would be shocked that the star player of the year signed for only $75,000. In response, everyone is up in arms, agast, shocked and appalled. The streets were lined with protests! Twitter was flooded with angry people reactivating their accounts just to express their disgust! Then, tickets went on sale, and people still didn't buy them. (more)

Artificial AI

The goal to replace me seems to be failing. Not only are AI companies being sued for basing their business models on copyrighted content, but they are also running out of content of all types to ingest and spit back out to uncreative people in the most boring and predictable way possible.

A blockbuster story from the New York Times exposed turmoil within the industry as Tech Giants race to lead in artificial intelligence. As English language content sources run dry, some tech companies have moved toward training their machines by providing them with 'synthetic data' (which sounds made up to me) in order to create the most artificial artificial intelligence possible. But as you'll see with this very post, not only do I produce 100% original content, with 100% original artwork, I also am using my own naturally grown intelligence to do so, and as we have seen every Friday at 6:30 AM, my content never runs out. If my content is bad, it's because I wrote down bad content. If my punch line is funny, I wrote that punch line. If it's too dad-joke-ish, my wife probably suggested it at some point. But nothing here is produced by anyone other than me. If it's produced by a bot, I am the bot. Good luck to AI, but even more importantly – Good luck to us. (more)

Iran. But Not Fast Enough.

Imagine never losing but never quite winning, either. That's what it’s like to be Iran or Mike Johnson, but in this case, Iran, because they can‘t even kill one person in an attack against their neighbor/enemy. Even after deploying more than 300 bombs and attack drones, Iran's attack on Israel yielded only minor damage, with most threats being shot down by the US. My recommendation is that they go back to having Houthis scratch the side of a few boats. Put the 'hot Houthi' back to work because even if they were ineffective, they got better news coverage. (more)

That's it for this week.

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