Six Figured

A week to make my own meals and avoid the Ivy League for my own good. It's this week's news.

Six Figured
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Hey Friends,

This week, I had to make my own dinner. Once.

Yep, you heard me right. Mrs The Lorem Ipsum left town, leaving me to fend for myself.

Any other marketing exec slash newsletter writer might have found himself standing face to face with his demise, but not I. Tough breaks call for smooth operators. I'm no Gloria Gaynor, but I did indeed survive.

The Mrs is home now, so a good weekend is afoot.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

This 24th Week of 2024


The criminal justice system was recently rigged by the Biden administration to convict Trump, but accidentally forgot to unrig it before Hunter Biden was convicted of three felonies related to buying a gun at a time when he was using drugs or at least wished he was.

This caused a mess for him several months ago, which resulted in a plea deal coming together and then falling apart. This put Hunter in court last week to face the charges from an incident in 2018.

For the first time, a sitting President's son was convicted of a felony just a week after a former President was convicted of felonies as well. Paired with an eclipse earlier this spring, we see we are in very dark times where cats and dogs are living together, and men are no longer complaining about their mothers-in-law. If you think that's crazy, take Congressman Jim Jordan. Please!

Whether you think there is a comparison between the former president's case and Hunter Biden's appears to be a matter of convenience. But I see some similarities. Both defendants were obviously guilty. Both have gone too far with teeth whitening and lastly, both cases were the consequences of drug addiction. Hunter's drug was cocaine. In Trump's case, that drug was power. For the Republican Party, that drug is Trump, and they are junkies. (more)

It Figures

For years, it has been dangerous to walk through dark alleys in densely populated cities, but a new study warns of a new danger.

Attending an Ivy League school.

It could put you in the throes of a protest where you become the unsuspecting victim of an egging while carefully positioning your yamaka, or you could get your encampment tent stolen by campus police or even get a paper cut from your picketing sign.

All these risks are real, but the danger I'm talking about is much worse – you could end up not getting a six-figure salary job. I can hear you gasping as I type this.

According to reports about reports, about a report, you'll go to great parties and walk out with a great degree, but you might not get a great job. The Department of Education's scorecard shows that after ten years, median salaries of Ivy League graduates left them pinching pennies to pay for their Golden Goose shoes (understandably, if I was among the Ivy Impoverished, I would walk around in fashion beaters too). Some may even have to use a credit card to pay for their first Louis Vuitton bag. My take, as someone who went to Yale, it was the longest week of my life, and I'll never get that time back. But in this economy, I'll never pay those parking tickets either. (more)

Split Decision

A jury in South Florida has found that Chiquita is liable for the killings of eight people in Columbia, carried out by a paramilitary group the company helped finance. Back in 2007, Chiquita Brands made hundreds of payments to the AUC, a paramilitary group it claims had extorted them during a decades-long civil war in Columbia. The jury wasn't convinced. Some would say Chiquita Brands was not just funding violence but was turning the region into a banana republic. (more)

Hamas Know By Now

There's nothing new to report about the conflict in Gaza this week. Israel continues its incursion, and Hamas continues to use its citizens as a bargaining chip. This week, after it looked like Israel and Hamas were narrowing in on a ceasefire plan architected by the US and endorsed by a UN resolution, the negotiations, as normal, fell apart because the Hamas leader, Yahya Sinwar, still believes they have the strongest bargaining chip – the lives of their own civilians, which they are all too willing to give up. (more)

Off The Record

Samuel Alito, the Supreme Court Justice, doesn't agree with his wife on their home decor, including where to put all their flags and whether or not one should be upside down. This week, a leaked recording revealed that the harborer of "Two Flags" had a conversation with someone he thought was Catholic (he and his wife's safe word, by the way). The person prompted Alito to talk about sensitive topics, such as suggesting that the nation should return to Christian values. He gently agreed with her as she moved on to other topics, looking for gotcha moments.

You can't fault the guy for expressing his opinions about politics. Unless he were a Supreme Court judge, in which case you CAN fault the guy for expressing his opinions about politics, but I still want to be fair to Alito regardless of whether he will be fair to us from the bench. Alito was accosted by someone posing as a friendly Catholic vigilante. She said the world should return to Christian values, and he said the words "I agree," which is what literally everyone says who doesn't wish to engage in a debate with a stranger at a cocktail party, especially when someone makes it awkward and talks about religion. The Lorem Ipsum does not have the full length of the recordings and offers Alito the benefit of the doubt (hey, I never said we had great benefits here). I suspect he ended the conversation with something like, "We should get together for a coffee sometime," which is also just something people say, even when they don't mean it. (more)

And that is it for this week.

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Have a great weekend!

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