It Was Debatable

Covering round one debates, and how to get your free mugs. It’s this week’s news.

It Was Debatable
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Hey Friends,

This is the 200th post on The Lorem Ipsum.

This is an actual image of me producing this newsletter, although this was on a bad hair day. I've enjoyed writing every one of these ducentennial posts except maybe a couple, and I've enjoyed all of your feedback, even the angry unsubscribes.

Mr. The Lorem Ipsum before showering

Hitting send on a Double Benjamin has called me to reflect. I'm thankful that some of you have been here since the beginning when I converted my occasional thought pieces on brand thinking to an every-week email about politics, news, and social issues (and also, whoops, because now I am doing both each week).

My mission is to make you laugh while making you think. Some days, it may be one or the other, but when you tell me I've delivered on both, it makes my day.

If what I do for your inbox or your brain is valuable, and you want to support me, you can do that for $5 per month here.

But whether you think I'm a clown or contemplative, getting you to think at all is what I consider success.

But I'm not the only circus act that's taken place this week.

I'll get to that in a minute...

But first, let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 34 of 2023

Mug's Shots

Donald Trump turned himself in at Fulton County jail last night, where his lawyers requested bars be gold plated in case the former president needed to spend time there in the near future.

Inmate # P01185309 and President # 45

Trump's bond, which was set at $200,000, comes with other stipulations requiring him to follow certain rules of conduct, like that he will “eat happy meals but will not throw ketchup on any walls." until his trial date. So far, Fani has requested an October date for the trial, which his legal team has opposed. The former President’s inmate number is P01185309. (more)

America's Mayor

In related news, Rudy Giuliani was nabbed as well and received a new headshot since his financial situation has prevented him from getting a professional portrait, enabling him to get new work. Rudy faces 13 counts of racketeering, to which he said, "I was framed, see. I'm a patsy, see." (more)

How The West Was Wet

California wet its geographical pants this week after a tropical storm made everyone wonder if they should thank climate change for lowering the risk of wildfires. The first tropical storm in 84 years, known as Hurricane Hilary, is a stark difference from Hilary Clinton, who is known to have a very dry personality, not unlike the typical climate in California. (more)

Wagners Whacking

Prigozhin probably died, and Putin, who definitely didn't kill him, spoke of him in the past tense, referring to his complicated fate. US intelligence has stated that evidence shows that the explosion on his flight was likely intentional and that Putin pretty much kills everyone who crosses him. (more)

India's Moon Shot

India was the first country to land a spacecraft on the dark side of the moon, which is not just a Pink Floyd reference but a banner accomplishment for a country previously mainly known for sending me spam about Nigerian royalty. (more)

That's it for the news. Now, here's this week's Feature.

GOP Debate Assures Country is Effed

Feature Story

Zombieland's latest episode aired on Fox News on Wednesday night, starring the eight leading Republican candidates. Although leading is not the best word to describe most of them. Not only because of the fact that none of them are leading in the polls, but they're hardly leading our country in any way.

Unfortunately, Saturday Night Live won't be helping us process the event thanks to the writer's strike, so we're relegated to memes created by untrained amateurs.

Or, in other words, some of the same people running for President.

It was the Billionaire Baby, Vivek Ramaswamy, who brought his tsunami and talked about his mommy while hoping he could get to the big kid's table for some edamame and a side of salami, but instead, he talked about foreign policy like he was folding origami. His notable comments were that the climate change agenda is a hoax and that Donald Trump was the best President of the 21st century, notably overlooking Gene Landrum of Chuck E. Cheese.

Vivek's parents told him afterward that they were so proud of him no matter what.

The current leader in the polls is Ron Desantis, whose dream board consists of a picture of Donald Trump and a Home Alone movie poster. Ron's cotton mouth kept the Florida Governor from swallowing the remains of his pre-game pizza, but this delivered an advantage by preventing him from putting his foot in his mouth, which most believe would only cause him to lose his second-place position in the polls. The audience enjoyed about 17 seconds before he talked about lockdowns. Ron's greatest hits were how much he didn't comply with Covid lockdowns, how bad Covid policies were elsewhere, and how popular he was with his citizens just before they died from COVID-19. When forced to address Pence's work on January 6th, Meatball Ron said he had no beef with Mike.

Chris Christie, not to be confused with Chris Kringle, cleared his throat and presented a professional image by telling Vivek Ramaswamy he sounds like "Chat GPT," which, to be fair, is a description even Vivek agrees with. He attacked Trump and said, "Someone's got to stop normalizing this conduct." which we believe refers to Donald's spray tans, or more specifically, the ghostly eyes. Toward the end of the debate, the moderators asked Chris a question about UFOs, hoping to get him to talk about literally anything other than Donald Trump. However, unfortunately, he just set him up to talk about Donald's habit of initiating flying objects, such as hot dogs, when he was angry in The White House.

Former Vice President Mike Pence gained the most time on the mic. He used the airtime to promote his former boss, Donald Trump, and his prior (and now current) boss, his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. When he had the opportunity to express who he believed was best prepared to be President, he said, with all humility, "it's me."

Nikki Haley was caught "yelling" and "being mean," which for male candidates is called "debating." She addressed the most broadly agreeable abortion policies, saying, "Can't we all agree we shouldn't put a woman in jail if she has an abortion?" Haley highlighted the makeup of the government by saying that "we've never had 60 senate votes in the house," which many academic government experts agree is objectively true since Senators typically work in the Senate.

For some of the less notable and lower polling candidates, Tim Scott differentiated himself from the rest of the group by pulling his pants up higher than other candidates, changing the pitch of his commentary, which was otherwise the same.

Doug Burgum forgot his chapstick for the event, understandably after a pickup basketball game the same morning caused him to injure his leg. But aside from using a crutch and licking his lips repeatedly, he managed to get through the debate without being noticed.

Asa Hutchinson, from Arkansas, was there too.

That's it for this week. Look for issue 201 right here.

Have a great weekend!

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