How do we know Nikki Haley isn't a vampire?

An investigative report analyzing how she could actually win the presidency by unconventional means.

How do we know Nikki Haley isn't a vampire?
Editors note: Much of this was written just before the New Hampshire primaries, but strangely, the analysis is still relevant. I'm leaving the article as is for historical reasons.

I think we can all agree: The world is a vampire. But is Nikki Haley?

Vampires are people who can’t be seen in mirrors. They sparkle in the sunlight and don’t go by their first names. Especially if their first name is Nimarata, Nikki Haley's given name.

The immortal creatures of European legend are widely understood to be fictitious. Vampirism has existed in our folklore for millennia. Even the Mesopotamians referenced the undead creatures that inhabited the wards of olden times. More modern stories of such characters as Chupacabra still exist even today in some cultures. Their descriptions range from dark countenances to bright savior-like creatures. Some believe them villainous, while others find them benevolent, misunderstood creatures. Neither can be proven, but it is agreed that they are creatures of a supernatural kind, able to top feats of immense difficulty like lifting heavy things or leaping tall buildings. In this case, perhaps even winning primary elections.

I do not hold an opinion of Nikki Haley on this subject. I find her to be a perfectly normal person, a mother, a wife, and a seasoned politician with a notable career in corporate oversight. I am merely taking the time to review the evidence as it is available to us, and I will leave the conclusions to people smarter than me.

You can tell. Trump is convinced she is a vampire. He calls her by her first name, clearly an attempt to attack her character by shining a light on her background in hopes of convincing his xenophobic base that she is an unsavory type who can't be trusted. He has stepped up his attacks as of late, obviously for the sole purpose of his own defense, to save his campaign by driving a stake in the heart of hers.

But she's popular with independents and college graduates. As expected, she is cunning and smart, and her speeches are illuminating. Almost poetically normal, like a Republican from another generation, or even another world if there were such a thing with fairly normal people as Republicans. These characteristics that Nikki holds do not prove that she feeds on the vital essence of the living. They don't make her an ally of Kristen Stewart. But before we jump to conclusions, let's take a closer look at the facts.

Among the Republicans that have taken a shot at the White House in this round, all of them poll ahead of Biden in the early surveys. But among them, Nikki has the biggest lead over Biden in a hypothetical match-up. If you are someone who wants to vote for a candidate who can lose the general election rather than have your third choice option win it, then Trump is your guy. There is little question as to whether he can win the primary. But in the general election, things look less than certain.

For now, the biggest upset of all would be if Nikki Haley wins. It would take nothing less than a character from the folklore of Gothic fiction to turn the tides of today's mass hysteria. Some would say that a vampire is the only someone who can beat Trump, the incumbent loser. Someone who can sneak up from behind you in the night and not just siphon off votes or public support but go all the way and suck your blood.

Nimarata Nikki Randhawa Haley is that character, if there is one. In this post, I'm going to examine how Nikki can win the election, and while we're at it, we'll examine the evidence at hand. You will have to decide whether she really is what many have believed for centuries.

Yesterday afternoon, Ron Desantis ended his campaign. Not surprisingly, he endorsed Trump, the man who has done nothing but ridicule him. His high heels were the only thing between him and rock bottom, and he hadn't been doing any better in the polls either. Every nickname carved another point off of his incoming surge, making his chances of winning just as short as his stature.

Haley never had that problem. Her surge was well-timed and less pronounced. She slowly arrived, when you least expected it, on the heels of the Iowa Caucus, in third place. At least it looked like third place until a Desantis concession revealed she ostensibly came in second. But can she become the first? In order to break through the Brick Wall, formerly known as Donald Trump, Nikki will undoubtedly need to be guileful. Here are the three things she will need to accomplish to win the primary and eventually become President.

She will need to draw blood in New Hampshire.

According to Nate Cohn, the New York Times pollster with a 2008 Beiber fan haircut, New Hampshire is the last exit for Haley. In other words, she has no chance. This may be true for regular people. That is nonvampires. Regular people running for President will sleep at night. They are forced to think about their impending death by decapitation, starvation, or even natural causes. Contrariwise, a vampire runs without her feet ever touching the ground, and you don't even realize she is gaining on you until the moment she overtakes you. For a vampire, New Hampshire is never the last stop. It is only the moment you hear the swift wind in the darkness and realize this malevolent spirit is just behind you.

To me, all of this sounds like Haley. Even as of the moment, Nate wrote the above-linked article, and he describes the polling numbers as 49 to 34. By the time I am writing this article, she has already lunged forward to 36% at a breakneck pace (and is encroaching at 37% at a post-publishing edit). The fact is, even if she does not win (and we will know very soon) if she at least draws blood, it will strike her enemies and buoy her defenders. Trump will discern the smell of death as he walks away from New Hampshire, leaving a trail of blood.

She will need to win every college-educated voter ever.

We know that Haley wins with the well-educated voters, likely because she sounds like she is drawing from a wealth of knowledge from her own experience. Her intellect supplants the apparent intelligence of the candidates that have surrounded her for so long. Might I suggest that this could only come from hundreds of years in a dreary library? This may be the only reasonable explanation for Haley's proficiency in so many subjects. As we know, vampires do not just understand history. They were there for it. This kind of intellect is dangerous to Trump and would undoubtedly make his blood run cold, and the hairs on the back of his entire body stand on end.

Nikki's everyday voters are not aware of her vampire nature (if, in fact, she is one), and they don't need to be. She simply sounds smart. Vampires are almost always alluring, and while they may seem delicate in their temperament, they are vicious when crossed. At this pace, Nikki may be stealthily charming each candidate qualified for an interview with a Fortune 500 company at this very moment, and we don't even know it. And she will need to if she's going to win.

She must convince people to believe what is true.

Vampires are the revenants of evil beings. They can be created by malevolent spirits of those who were lost at sea, only to claw their way back to land. They may be someone who was murdered in a struggle between two adversaries who came face to face in a sordid love affair. They may be suicide victims or the eternal manifestation of witches. But one thing vampires are not is liars. They do not need to lie. It suits them better to tell you the truth as it is. This is what we see from Nikki consistently, and this is perhaps the greatest proof that she is indeed a vampire. To win this primary, and yea, even this election, Nikki will need to convince people to believe something, anything, even if it is true.

Too often, people do not want to hear the truth from their politicians. They want to hear what makes them feel right, even when they are objectively wrong. In Nikki's case, she is too sincere. She's direct, honest, and absent of the wretched rhetoric that characterizes most politicians. There is no way she could be human and a politician at the same time. Does this point to the answer we've been looking for? You decide.

If we're being intellectually honest, she will need to do more than strike fear in her opponent. If time has revealed anything to us (and I know Nikki has been there for hundreds of years of observing it), she has no chance of winning unless she can summon complete destruction upon her opponent.

She will have to go for the throat.