Help Wanted

Seeking unqualified candidates for the most powerful role in the world.

Help Wanted

Many of you were present for the first Presidential debate. Even Trump showed up after skipping the debates in the Primaries. Biden is widely believed to have been present as well; however, some still question the claim. It was the debate that spurred the most opinion columns since it's airing. Even the New York Times editorial board paid for several columnists, to say that Joe was a good man but should not be president anymore, and then the editorial board offered their two cents – Joe needs to Go.

Since then, Joe's campaign has tried to hold the line, but it sounds more like a closeout sale under the masthead of "Everything Must Joe!" but as the pressure to resign increased, Joe didn't blink – simultaneously a show of steadfast commitment to his campaign and potentially a medical emergency.

Biden has done a great job in his twilight years to remind us that being the President is important and that anyone can do it if the people around them try hard enough. And also, if they don't, that it's advisable to run on the heels of one of the most polarizing presidents in history, who, whether liked or not, created the hunger for an antithesis. Biden is the antithesis of his opponent. Trump is vigorous, goading, provocative, and willing to push the bounds of the law. Biden is lethargic, deferential, has acid reflux and can't find his glasses.

But even the battle of the antitheses has called for an antithesis, and I am here to call for it today.

Hillary Clinton and John McCain argued that Barack Obama was too green for the job. But in today's climate, I'd argue he wasn't quite inexperienced enough. For the next election, the message to unify the American people is "Inexperience Matters!" We've already tried putting someone in the white house "because he knows what he's doing," but it turns out, in recent cases, he actually didn't know until someone took him by the hand and told him.

What we desperately need is someone who has no clue. We need someone whose understanding of the law is basically theoretical. Better yet, someone who still doesn't know that you're supposed to export your resume from a Word Doc to a PDF before you send it. If you're a community organizer, you may be overqualified at this point. Let's put someone in office who doesn't know the difference between Congress and a Six Flags Theme Park.

We need someone who can bring this country together—maybe! Literally, anyone is qualified. It's time to use Chat GPT to write the agenda. If you have ten years of experience in retail management and still live with your parents at 35 years old, I think you're ready for that warm leather chair in the Oval Office. Do you have a library card? Great, your resume sounds promising. Guys, let's put a tie on this bastard and get him on stage.

What America needs is someone with an agenda that will do anything but move this country forward. Someone whose ideas are sourced from Chat GPT. We want someone whose agenda for the first hundred days includes jumping on the bed in the master suite on the second floor of the West Wing. Qualified candidates can't tell you how the government works, but they can tell you what happens on the internet the day after you talk in your sleep on national television, and can tell you how to post it to your stories.

This is not only a job for men. Put on one of those shirts that says "Boy Mom" in an awful font, and you just might be dressed for success. Stay-at-home moms everywhere are wrangling petulant children who can't seem to agree on anything, and that skill transfers directly to dealing with Congress.

Putting Loren Boebert in time-out every time she mouths off is first-rate governing. Telling Marjorie Taylor Green she can't have a snack, and warning Matt Gaetz you're going to call his parents will do more for this country than any bully pulpit ever has. We've asked our leaders to drain the swamp, but at this point, I'd just be happy to see someone fold the laundry. Maybe pick up a little bit here and there because we can't keep this house together by ourselves.

If you're afraid of making a mistake, don't worry because, for this job, everything you do is officially considered correct and totally legal. You can absolve your HOA bill, cancel parking tickets, or fire your enemies with impunity. And you can do it all without having a clue how. The only thing we ask, is that if you are standing on stage, we'd like you to know it.

I've heard the criticism of this plan. They say replacing the front runners at this stage of the game would be unprecedented. And this may be true, but in a way, we've been un-Presidented for a while now. By the numbers, Joe Biden has held the fewest press conferences since Ronald Reagan, based on last year's numbers. When he does show up in public, some claim it is his body double. With Joe Biden being the fallingest president in recent memory, any moment, a presidential tumble could drop the country into crisis. I don't think we can wait for experience. What we need is anything else.

So, no, we don't need someone who's ready for the job. We need someone who's not, so they don't think they can do it in their sleep.