Grab a Coke

Hey Friends,

I’ve never done any illegal drugs, but I don’t work at the White House, so I haven't needed to.

If you haven't heard, working in DC is not all hookers and blow, but I can imagine why a White House staffer might need a bump of godly powder to get well.

I'll get to that in a minute...

But first, let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 28 of 2023

About The Temperatures

Earth has been making history with average temperatures almost as hot as Taylor Swift, with July 6th being the highest recorded average temperature and the summer season bringing dangerous temps in southern areas of the US. Thankfully what isn't heating up is inflation, and according to the polls, neither is Ron Desantis. More on Ron in the next take.

No, He Desantis

Governor Ron Desantis is being threatened with a name change to Des-Cant-is after a stall in his campaign. The stall in fundraising and poll numbers is not as bad as his Twitter launch, but it is worse than his Twitter launch. Even in his home state of Florida, he polls especially poorly amongst women in his home state, but according to one of his old classmates, he has always been bad with women. Here's a graph of the latest The Lorem Ipsum poll results for the Republican Presidential Primary race.

Pre-Nato Care Unit

The NATO alliance, in a gesture of support, said that it won't always be "Ukraine" but "Us-Kraine" by saying the alliance would accept Ukraine as a member "sometime." But until the war in Ukraine is resolved, Zelensky will have to wait, says Biden, "and he's okay with that." (more)

Green Mountain State

Vermont floods have put the state in disarray, as they discover that maple syrup doesn't dissolve in water very quickly, but what has dissolved just fine is the federal budget since natural disasters have already cost more than $1 billion dollars in the United States – and the cost of Vermont's tragedy is still yet to be calculated. I wrote about the cost of climate change here back in 2021. (more)

Game Over

The FTC isn’t playing games when it comes to pursuing antitrust lawsuits, but Microsoft will be now that they've beat the FTC in a high-profile case about their merger. The software giant bought Activision, the large video game maker whose portfolio includes "Call of Duty." The FTC claimed it is their Call of Duty to protect open competition, but a federal judge ruled that it's now Microsoft's Call of Duty, and they can do what they want with it. (more)

Earth Control

Now you don't need a prescription to not have kids, thanks to Opill, which was just approved by the FDA for over-the-counter use. The pricing is not yet announced, but experts are confident it will cost less than an actual child. (more)

Quickly

• Hollywood essentially shuts down. The Nanny says the Studio CEOs will have to clean their own messes. (more)

That's it for the news. Now here's this week's Feature.

Bumped Up

Feature Story

Hey Daniel, what can you tell me about the White House cocaine situation? – Robert D. Jr.

Just last week, the White House discovered about a gram of coke in a locker near an entrance to the West Wing.

For the record, cocaine is like really evil coffee, according to Courtney Love. As you might know, sniff a line, and you'll feel like the president of the united states for five minutes. Smoke it, and you'll feel like the president of the whole red-hot world.

Well, evidently, one of the hundreds of visitors and staffers planned on having that feeling, not to take away from the big man himself and his son Hunter.

Republicans have suggested that someone on the White House staff was railing lines off hookers' asses and clubbing for three straight days, but I say that's giving Marjorie Taylor Green's ass too much credit since we all know it's too busy being kicked out of the Freedom Caucus.

Republicans have said that someone should lose their job, and House Speaker McCarthy says, "Anything revolving around "Biden Inc" gets treated differently than any other American, and that's got to stop."

Lauren Boebert complained that the locker where the nose candy was found is now missing and complained that the Secret Service agency is moving on to its next "Biden Crime Crisis." and insisted they check to see if there were any abandoned laptops found in the area as well, implicating the First Addict, Hunter Biden.

The Secret Service agency said the investigation is "closed due to a lack of physical evidence" after DNA testing and security footage couldn't narrow the list of possible suspects to under 500 people. The Republican lead committee calls this a "failure" of the agency.

The White House press secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre, insisted the Biden administration staff wasn't going to stick their nose in it. The cocaine, that is. She said "This is something that the Secret Service handles. It's under their protocol."

Since it's not a crime to carry a line, we'll have to settle for moving on. But when it comes to the situation at the White House, if I had to work around all this mess, I'd probably be on drugs too.

Your Questions

Looking for your next speedball? Hop a bus ride to DC. I can't help you with the famous flake. But if you need to blow your mind with answers to the world's greatest questions, as long as you're not expecting a side of cocoa puffs, you can Ask The Lorem Ipsum.

Send me your questions at [email protected].

That's it for this week.

The Lorem Ipsum does not cause addiction problems but sure does smell good.

Make sure to share it with everyone.

Have a great weekend!

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