Gold Bars and Beef Bouillon
What to eat and what to keep in a jacket. It’s this week’s news.
Hey Friends,
When I have soup, I like to have a lot of flavor. That's why I use plenty of salt and create a nice beef bouillon. It's the gold standard of flavor. I call it Gold Bouillon.
I'm not the only one caught with a mouth full of gold.
I'll get to that in a minute...
First, let's get to The News.
Hot Takes
Week 39 of 2023
The Race For Second Place
The second Republican primary debate was this Wednesday evening, where seven candidates faced off to see who will get to be the next Secretary of Waste Management.
For those who missed it, congratulations. Whether you were changing a duvet cover on the guest bed in your house or reading a company-wide email about a fundraiser for someone's kid, you made the right choice. So far, the only thing that stood out was Chris Christy's belly and Vivek Ramaswamy‘s hair.
I've highlighted a few key moments here.
Chris Christy had a fire in his belly and a sandwich in his hand. His focus continues to be to attack the former President. He did so by looking directly at the camera and chided Trump for not showing his orange face on the debate stage. He then channeled his inner George Costanza with a "Jerk Store" comeback, calling Donald Trump “Donald Duck,” a joke which flopped badly.
Ron Desantis struggled to get answers in with a mouth full of pizza, but he did manage to evade several questions. Viewers did not evade his awkward smile or his mentions of fake people that he met in Iowa. Desantis still trails well behind Trump, who reminds us that Ron Disanctimonious needs a personality transplant.
Nikki Haley, for her heated responses to Rami Swamy, would have drawn looks, but her pantsuit was so shiny the cameras had trouble looking directly at it. Much like her clothing, Nikki was loud every chance she got, at times, as if to convince us that she and Tim Scott were not best friends.
Doug Bergum, although credited with meaningful responses to questions, seemed to be replaced by a muppet. His handlers did their best to move his lips in step with the answers convincingly, but based on polling numbers alone, I'm not sure if voters are convinced.
Rami Swamy succeeded at covering everything his parents directed him to but skipped some of the attack lines his fraternity brothers helped him prepare. He came across as notably different this time around. For example, some of his hair care product had not quite set, so he had a crunchy smeared spot on the side but still managed to maintain the extra inch of height we know him for.
Tim Scott logged the most minutes talking about his faith, ahead of Pence by at least one Christianese term and one scripture. He took decidedly first place in mentioning his background in poverty. While struggling to control his volume toward the end of longer answers, he managed to get a fair share of screen time, unlike the last debate, where most of his screen time was him looking at his phone while he waited for his turn.
Mike Pence, when asked a question about protecting LGBTQ people if he were the President, answered by changing the subject and sharing that, despite his wife being in the audience, he has been sleeping with a teacher for 38 years (although he didn’t mention the man's name). Pence praised his record as someone who was there when Donald Trump was President, a strategy about which Trump aides say “thanks.”
Frump Tower
The Trump Organization, Donald himself, and his adult sons Eric and Junior have been found guilty of fraud after a New York judge issued a summary judgment in the case against the business. Basically, the evidence of inflating and deflating values of properties was so obvious that not even Trump's own lawyers could dispute them. What the lawyers did dispute was a practice known as "bad lawyering," for which the judge sanctioned them with a fine of $7500 each, which, for context, is the value of one The Lorem Ipsum article (even though I only charge $5 per month for full access), leaving me with a net worth of $4 billion if you account for brand value.
The judge revoked Trump's business certificate and is expected to remove their control of the buildings in New York that are subject to the lawsuit, which includes his flagship "Trump Tower," a building roughly the size of his ego.
Just yesterday, a judge rejected an appeal to delay the trial, leaving Trump in the unfortunate position of having to pay consequences for something. (more)
So Spaced Out
A NASA mission made its way back to Earth after collecting a piece of an asteroid. The research mission expects to uncover data about the origins of the universe and other news from space. Examining the asteroid sample is at the beginning stages, but early findings have identified dust particles similar to those found on John Fetterman's hoodie, suggesting he may actually have origins beyond Earth.
Just three days ago, "scientists gasped" as they opened the canister for the first time, according to NASA. One report says a scientist looked at his colleague and, concerned he was dropping off a sample of his own, asked, "Was that you or the asteroid?" (more)
Strike is Striked
The writer's strike is almost settled, and among the terms rumored, they agreed never to write Russel Brand into any movies. The Writers Guild said, "We can say, with great pride, that this deal is exceptional." The Studios, on the other hand, after bending back up, said nothing about the deal. As a writer myself, I'm proud to root for the little guy, but as a writer's boss (since I work for myself), I'm frustrated that you people always take advantage of us business owners. Strikes still loom for the Screen Actors Guild and for the unrelated United Auto Workers. (more)
Once You Go Black Sea, You Never Go Back, See.
Sorry about the terrible headline on this one, but it was hard to pass up (no pun intended). Earlier this week, Ukraine claimed it killed the Russian naval commander in an attack on the Black Sea Fleet. So far, Russia has shown him silently sitting on a video call in an attempt to prove (say: 'make it seem like') that he is still alive. Advice to Russia: get his phone and use it to place a remote Starbvcks order so that his regular barista can attest that the Commander is alive and well, because who else uses that much half n’ half? Neither side’s report could be independently verified, including how much half n’ half any Russian officials use, dead or alive. (more)
Quickly
That's it for the news. Now, here's this week's Feature.
Bob and The Bouillion
Feature Story
Like a preacher in a mega church, Robert Menendez wanted nothing more than money and influence, and while he gained it, his wife directed the choir behind him the entire time. At least, that's what prosecutors think. Last week, Robert, a Democrat senator from New Jersey, and his wife Nadine were indicted for accepting bribes in exchange for his actions as a Senator and Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.
Like Joe Biden, Robert has been under investigation for illegally exploiting his role in government. Like Donald Trump, his questionable actions were obvious. Gold bars, stacks of cash lining jackets, meaningless gifts, and a symbolic payroll position at an Egyptian halal meat company that barely showed any revenue until an oversight committee delivered it. A committee Robert was in charge of. Nadine eventually had to start deleting text messages to reduce the chances of being traced. You can read about the scandal's impetus here.
The most notable part of this story is that Menedez is a Democrat.
Not because Democrats are model citizens. Most of them are too old to be models anyway. No, I mean because terrible people are everywhere, but comparing the two major parties' latest hits is like sitting Lindsay Lohan next to Jeffery Dahmer and yelling, "See! They're both criminals." Over the last eight years, the Republican Party has stolen all the headlines and forced even the most conservative pundits, if they have an ounce of intellectual integrity, to criticize the Right for turning the party into a circus. Well, corruption is corrupt no matter where it's found. Whether Menendez can get out of this one is unclear, but the accusations and the evidence against him are pretty damning.
Over the last week, over twenty Democrat colleagues have called for Robert to resign from his Senate seat.
Related stories from the archives:
Daniel Herndon
That's it for this week.
Thanks for being here and sharing around the world.
Have a great weekend!