Fight Club

You told us you would say that. A summary of the first debate.

Fight Club
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Hey Friends,

Well, it was fun skipping a week of mowing the lawn, thanks to a terse heat wave. Now, we're back to the War on Weeds.

This week, the news comes to an end with Red Meat Politics, courtesy of CNN.

Let's get to The News.

The culinary arts are perhaps one of the oldest of all. When blood was being creatively spread across the walls of caves, even as humanity pined for the Food Network and Lady Gaga to make entertainment of their meat. Food has brought diplomacy to king's tables and mended fences better than any carpenter could hope to.

But the truth remains the same, even as time passes. If you have really good ingredients and really good texture, even a very velvety bisque in your soup or a precision sear on your petite tender medallions, nobody will remember it unless it has salt.

That's the news this week. Just about everything hitting the headlines was unsavory, forgettable masterpieces. A riot in Kenya, a Supreme Court leak, another leaker getting a plea deal, and a couple of very forgettable mass shootings.

But then Thursday happened, and we finally found something to fight about. The first presidential debate. The question on everyone's mind, as always, is who will win the evening and who will end up in jail—perhaps one contestant would take both metals.

The debate kicked off at 9:00 with no audience and no fanfare. The questions initially started with policy questions, and both candidates complied. By forty minutes in, the debate had devolved into a brawl. The two fought, calling each other a liar, a whiner, a Manchurian candidate.

The former president walked out like he had an ankle monitor on him as he awaits sentencing for 34 felony convictions. He was uncomfortable without a crowd, but he was also uncomfortable without a Big Mac because the debate seemed effortless for him. I expect his skill of persuasion in front of a camera will be valuable in prison, where he can build a coalition of neck-tattooed followers and launch Trump Smokes and all other varieties of contraband.

The moment Biden shuffled out like he was out to pick up his daily paper in a robe that smelled like corn chips, I knew we were f***ed. It was evident that when he arrived at the podium, he was the only one who didn't know it was him. His blank stare would have made perfect sense if he were watching a commercial about reverse mortgages because, trust me, those are confusing, and the commercials are worse. But to say he succumbed to a series of senior moments would be unkind to the fine folks over at Hardee's every morning. It's like telling a teenager he is acting like a toddler.

Getting Biden elected a second time is a bad idea, but releasing a sequel to Weekend at Bernie's was a bad idea, too. But they did it anyway because several people around Bernie Lomax were willing to do the work to prop him up rather than accept the alternative. On most days, in a blind taste test between Coke and Pepsi, few could tell who the president was on the day they chose Coke, for most of history anyway. If we're being honest, most of the time, our lives are no different based on who is in the White House. And we may even be better off not knowing who the guy is. Trump may have changed that. He did his level best to overturn the country by force. I'm no fan of the man. He has lost my trust, but he won the debates.

I tuned in to see two US Presidents debating each other. Instead, I feel like I've just watched the scene in Weekend At Bernie's where Richard and Larry walk off for something, and Bernie Lomax flies over the edge of a balcony. The good news is he was completely unaware, so it was painless.

Most of us could have slept better, having missed the debates and never heard the throat clearing, the mud-slinging, the disputes over golf handicaps, or having had to ask if this is the best we can do.

I'm not one for hyperbole, except of course when I am, but with all the above said, I think we'd be better off with a rag doll in the White House than another term with Trump.

That's it for this week.

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Have a great weekend!

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