Caught in the Act

A rising senator takes on Hollywood, gangs take on Haiti and other performative acts in this week's news.

Caught in the Act
You're reading The Lorem Ipsum by Daniel Herndon. A Funny Email About Serious Topics. Make sure your inbox isn't left out. Sign up here.

Hey Friends,

I got sucked in.

I watch one woodworking video, and then before I knew it, I was seeing a review of the perfect pair of pants with just the right amount of stretch.

I think I ordered two pairs.

To save me from certain destruction, let’s hope the US completes its movement to ban TikTok.

More on that in The News.

Hot Takes

Week 11 of 2024

The Act

For Katie Britt, if it doesn’t work out in government, she may be able to fall back on her acting skills. Her monologue for the Republican response to the State of the Union is nothing short of a demo reel.

Even Channing Tatum can’t put on a performance like this one. She scaled the range of emotions like the mountains of Appalachia. She traversed the dialogue like a bridge over Selma. She was forceful when she wanted to be, soft-spoken at times, like the sultry tones of Marilyn Monroe or me after an attempt to work out for the first time in months. Her breathy words told us that her message contained a special secret. 

That secret is that America is in disarray despite the numbers. Our streets are more dangerous even though crime is down across the US. Our pocketbooks are suffering even though wages are up, even more than inflation, which is going down. Most importantly, illegal immigration is out of control, and we should fear for our lives, whether we have a reason to or not. Better yet, we should refuse to pass a bill to solve it. (more)

Haiti Haters

If you think your kids never listen, take a look at what's happening in Haiti. A gang uprising has all but toppled the government, with government buildings burnt to the ground, thousands of prisoners escaping from prison, and children staying up past their bedtime. The Haitian government has lost control of the island, and the Gangs are now the parents.

The man leading the gangs is Jimmy Chérizier, known by his childhood nickname, “Barbecue,” a very grown-up-sounding nickname. He insists that Prime Minister Ariel Henry step down or suffer continued violence. In response, Henry announced this week he resign "soon" and that everyone could stay up an extra hour until then. But words aren't enough for Barbecue, so the violence continues. (more)

Forgetful Questions

This week in a Congressional hearing Democrats pressed Special Council Robert Hur on why he was so mean to President Biden. At issue was his report on his investigation into Biden's possession of classified documents. In the report, Hur did not recommend charges but emphasized Biden's forgetfulness, and to be honest I don’t remember what else. Democrats made the hearing an opportunity to fire back at what they believe is a politically motivated narrative by Hur (NOTE: not a pronoun), but you know who else is forgetful? Me. In fact, I almost forgot to write this Take. Most of America is forgetful too. Until this week, we had already moved on from the report. But congratulations go to the Democrats for reversing this. (more)

Taking a McAffee Break

Judge Scott McAffee dropped six of the charges in Trump's Georgia racketeering case out of the total 41 because they were not specific enough to prepare a defense. If you think of it like spankings, I imagine if the first 35 sting enough, you may not even feel the last half dozen slaps anyway.

And not to extend the hind side jokes, but we're still waiting to see what the judge says about whether Fani Willis will be booted from the same case. (more)

House Bans TikTok

Chopsticks are unquestionably inferior to forks, but some fear China might use the juggernaut social media platform TikTok to convince us otherwise. And if that doesn't work, they'll at least try to get our youths to take a second look at Communism. The US Government is trying to put a stop to it.

On Wednesday; the House passed a bill to force TikTok's Chinese owner to sell or be banned, chopsticks and all. It passed 352 to 65, which is a sign that Biden's TikTok account is going to remain a talking point through the campaign season. (more)


  • Nothing to Bragg About. Prosecutors offered to delay the Trump hush money trial for 30 days.
  • Not Netanyahu Dot Net. Senator Chuck Schumer criticized President Bibi, saying he should be replaced.

That's it for the news. Here's this week's feature.

Picture Perfect


Before this week, few knew Princess Kate had five fingers, perfect skin, and plaids that didn't line up. On British Mother's Day, Catherine Princess of Wales released a photo showcasing a merry moment with her children. It was an attempt to present her with superhuman normalcy during a season when she has been absent from public life due to health issues in the southern region of the body. Her newly crowned Father-in-law, the King, has disappeared as of late as well; after finally getting his first real job, his attendance was the first thing to go because he, too, has been fighting health issues in similar zones.

The attempt was a failure.

What was revealed is that she was just like much of the rest of the world–using mobile apps to look better than she really is.

After the future queen released the doctored picture to convince her constituency that she was as perfect as ever, they were left not knowing if they could believe that she was. Or that she wasn't. Is she double-jointed? Are her children's clothing digitally remastered? Should there be a royal family just for aesthetics?

Questions abound, but when it comes to the royals, it is anybody's guess.

That's why in this newsletter, to stand above the fray, we include a disclaimer discretely at the bottom of a less-than-obvious page on the website as follows:

I'm not a professional comedian, but I play one in this email. A lot of my content contains sarcasm. This is dangerous, so don't try this at home.

The statement ensures you know that the content of this page is embellished. To make a point, not to fool you.

Kate does not come with such a disclaimer, but perhaps she should. If she wishes to adopt one already drafted, I would suggest she start with Ecclesiastes 1:2

“Everything is meaningless,” says the Teacher, “completely meaningless!”

And afterward, explain that all communications, events, and performances from the royal family are intended solely to make you believe otherwise.

Here's an article in The Cut from a British journalist who shares a similar sentiment with mine, but with a better accent.

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is The Taste of a New Generation. Why not share a sip with your friends?

Have a great weekend!

If you like this sort of thing:

Love tap: Become a Founder for $5/mo or leave a tip.
This newsletter is published on Ghost. Set up your own.