Bringing Tipsy Back

Hey Friends,

The most ostentatious word in the English language is unostentatious, but I can say without embellishing that I am just that when it comes to music. I like a good song whether it comes from Nickleback or Carly Rae Jepsen. Even Daughtry could be the source of a good song, even if it hasn't happened yet.

I wasn't always so equitable, though. In my days in the music business, I held a gatekeeper mentality. If your music had more dancing and headsets than musical artistry, you were out, in my book. This all changed in 2003 when Justin Timberlake hosted Saturday Night Live and offered a veritable musical extravaganza.

He proved all my assumptions wrong.

Timberlake returns to our attention this week, all because his should have been on the road. He was arrested on Tuesday for drunk driving after police said "he was unsteady afoot," which, as a 21-year-long Justin Timberlake fan, I can say is out of character because the Justin I know is anything but unsteady afoot. I can buy that he was swerving if it came with swiveling hips, but the notion that he "performed poorly" is not what we expect from the performer of "Cry Me A River," although he may be crying his own over the next few days.

Justin told police he only had one martini, but that didn't help his case since martinis don't actually come in size "one." That aside, anyone who drinks a good one also drinks another.

As long as he's got his suit and tie, he won't be leaving it on the floor tonight because he'll need it to appear in court, more than likely.

Surveillance Photo Shows Justin Timberlake Driving on Empty Street Before Arrest

Justin Timberlake’s vehicle is seen in new footage just before the singer’s Hamptons DWI arrest.

PEOPLEPeople Editorial Guidelines

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

This 25th Week of 2024

The New Cigarettes

This week, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued a call for warning labels to be added to social media. The practice is already extremely successful with cigarettes. When a pregnant woman reaches for a pack of Marlboro Lights and a donut, a label warning about low birth weight intervenes. As per the design, she will stop dead in her tracks, and shame will take over.

Well, social media is the new smoking, and a body image complex is the new low birth weight. When it comes to social media, being an aspiring influencer—the modern version of a Marlboro Man—is harmful to children's health.

After the Surgeon General posted his warning online, he began repeatedly refreshing his feed to see how many likes it got and asked his friends to repost his announcement.

It's unclear how the warnings will be implemented or if parents will even have any authority over their kids to begin with. To address the topic, I asked several teenagers what they thought of the requirement, and in response, they shrugged, mumbled an answer that I couldn't make out, but never looked me in the eye. After that, I paid their cell phone bill and reminded them they needed to clean their room, which they completely ignored because it was “so lame.” Kids may not like the idea, but like the labels for explicit lyrics, the new social media notices are expected to be very effective. (more)

Un In Action

This week, Putin met with Kim Jong Un to rekindle their nuclear romance. Putin didn't interrupt Un's video games to take him on a horseback ride where they show each other their abs. Instead, the two came together to present a united front on one thing – That the United States sucks. (Their words, not mine.) To cap off their meeting, the two nations signed an agreement to "provide mutual assistance in case of aggression." The move reminds us of Cold War era activities where nuclear war was increasingly a risk.

Kim Jong Il, the prior leader, bestowed the country to Kim Jong Un back in 2011 when he died. On his deathbed, his last words were, "Don't let these little fuckers have internet“ referring to their citizens, “and promise me you’ll lock up anyone who makes jokes about us.” Since then, Un is constantly looking for validation that he's not daddy's little boy anymore and that's why a meeting with Putin is as important to him as it is to Putin. According to reports, Putin seeks to get North Korea's support for ammunition for his war with Ukraine, and in exchange, he'll support Un's pursuit of nuclear armament and even drink wine with him in public. (more)

Wild Firing

This week, we've had some of the biggest wildfires of the season, and this time, I'm not talking about Donald Trump, where “brush fire” refers to terminating his hair stylist. This one is found in Los Angeles, where the heat comes in all shapes and sizes, including as fresh Tamales, the fleshy looks of hot celebrities, and now thousands of acres of dried lands subject to droughts, low humidity, and boring takes from dull comedians. The result is the biggest wildfire of the season, covering 15,000 acres in Los Angeles and Ventura counties. (more)

Ten Commandments

Louisianna now requires all schools to hang the Ten Commandments in every classroom. Gov. Jeff Landry signed legislation into law on Wednesday requiring a poster-sized display of the Ten Commandments in “large, easily readable font.” For the critics out there, Jeff looks forward to your lawsuits. “I can’t wait to be sued” he said at a fundraiser this week.

Hopefully this finally solves the problem of people not following the Ten Commandments. Like for example, the first one, which says not to have any graven image before you, such as a poster of the Ten Commandments, when it seems to be more important to you than worshiping God (sp?) directly.

The law has its critics, as you'll see in the media, but the truth is many are hopeful because the last time we had the Ten Commandments in schools was in the '60s and '70s, and besides the Sexual Revolution, the Vietnam War and all the naked people at Woodstock, everything was pretty good, morally speaking.(more)

Snow Way

The actor Donald Sutherland died this week at the age of 88. From M*A*S*H to Hunger Games, Donald has seen it all. If you’re lucky, you have too, because he was one of the best. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: Betcha can’t read just one. Have another issue of The Lorem Ipsum, and share one with a friend too!

Have a great weekend!

If you like this kind of thing, consider this 👇