Breathing New Life

I was almost a hero this week.

Breathing New Life

Good morning friends,

I hope you enjoyed your Summer Solstice this week.

We've been watering our garden here at The Lorem Ipsum HQ. This year, I decided it was time to stop buying a new water nozzle each year. So I invested in something that looked like it would last forever.

Here it is. Take a look.

It's pretty much the Otter Box of water hose nozzles. Incredibly ugly, but incredibly durable. It can take a licking and keep on sprinkling. It will probably last longer, specifically because of how undecorative it is. It looks more like a military weapon than the tool of choice for a gardener whose trying to grow a few heads of lettuce and some cucumbers.

And no. This is not a sponsorship. This is real life, and I wanted to share it with you.

I bought this garden hose contraption, I guess because I was tired of disposing of old tools that have seen better days.

Speaking of Old Tools

No one has been harmed in the making of this newsletter, but that is more than I can say for a dinner out this past week.

One of the patrons at the bar had an apparent near-death experience. His eyes were open. His skin was pale, and he was completely unresponsive.

I realized at this moment while I was attempting to attempt to save his life, that I do not know how to do CPR.

My barside neighbor came back to life, fortunately, but his brush with extinction made me think about other things that need new life breathed into them, lest they die. Specifically, I was reminded of former Vice President, Mike Pence's career.

So I decided to write about it.

I'll get into that in a minute, but first...

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 25 of 2022

  • Elon is Being Sued. Possibly by everyone, including but not limited to his 18-year-old child, who doesn't want to be related to him anymore. Additionally, In a class-action lawsuit, he's being accused of leading a Dogecoin Ponzi Scheme. Lastly, at least for now, he's being sued by a Tesla investor Solomon Chau on complaints that workplace harassment has damaged the company's reputation and his investment.

    As CEO of Trolling People Online, Elon's response was to tweet a bunch of nonsense like "The sheer variety of cheese is amazing.". Currently, the Dairy industry is considering a lawsuit for negatively impacting the value of cheese with this tweet.
  • We're Gunning for You. The Senate has managed to clear a hurdle in preliminary voting for a new gun safety bill. More than likely, that bill will be passed before you read this email.

    The bill includes provisions for millions of mental health, school safety, and crisis intervention programs as well as changes to the ways people below the drinking age can acquire a gun. The only thing not included in the bill is a way to blame an opposing party for the law since it's been sponsored by Democratic and Republican lawmakers.

    To celebrate the bipartisan success, the Supreme Court on Thursday, struck down a different Gun Safety law in the State of New York limiting guns in public.
  • The January 6 Trials have come to an end. As far as which hunts go, the One6 Commish trials have been excellent. If you haven't already binged the series, I'll summarize.

    While little new information has come out, some layers of color and quotes have come to the surface like "The mayor [Rudy Gulianni] was definitely intoxicated." and "I didn't mind being considered part of Team Normal."

    Ultimately, the trials offered a chance to see and hear the whole story all at once rather than in bits as individual headlines, painting a picture of how Trump attempted to manipulate the law to stay in power.

    Republican media contacts have hinted that a reboot of the series may be greenlit soon, with Ron Desantis playing The President in the new version.
  • Get Down to Brass Gas Tax. Biden is proposing that the federal gas tax be suspended temporarily, which will save Americans like $27 dollars. With inflation impacting food prices this is equivalent to about one sandwich. Some say the plan has problems.

That's it for the news. Here's The Gist.

Can He Make Old Things New?

The Gist

Much like the flies that seem to stick to Mike's head, the stench of his former boss seems to be doing the same, despite that nothing sticks to Trump himself except for his hairdo. Today, Mike's career is gasping for air. Mike isn't denouncing his former boss nor is he standing by him, and as a result, he lacks a base strong enough to lift a sail.

If I was giving Mike Pence advice right now, I’d tell him to start doing reels, because that’s what I’m hearing is the best way to build a following even if they have nothing to do with the thing you’re trying to promote.

Other than the fly meme, is Mike's career a branding failure? Read The Article.

The Brand Manager's Toolkit

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That's it for this issue of The Weekly. Have a great weekend!